boys, a speedo makes your junk look smaller.

i’m not lying. i promise it does. to you, ‘boy-from-this-morning-by-the-pool-at-the-gym’, this is for your benefit, i hope you’re paying close attention. your girlfriend doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, and it would be a bit creepy if your mom talked to you about your willy size, so i’m here to help.

water is cold you see, so you’re already at a disadvantage when it comes to the general size of your love monster whilst swimming. so why wear something that highlights your lack of assets?

furthermore, if you think about it even a little bit, a speedo is really just a giant arrow shape pointing to, well to your penis, so when you wear a speedo it’s basically the equivalent of standing by the side of the pool/ocean, with an enormous flashing pointing arrow that says: “look over here people, look at my dick, isn’t it of below average size?”

and even more so if you have an odd tan, like you ‘boy-from-this-morning-by-the-pool-at-the-gym’. You obviously wear baggies quite a bit, so you are tanned to just above your knees, and then again to just below your belly button. leaving the entire area around your dick completely entirely white. now you may not be in advertising so you may not know this, but lots of white space is a really great way to draw attention. so there you are, poolside with the equivalent of a giant flashing, pointing sign, lots of white space and an arrow for a cozzie, all pointing out how small your dick is. good job.

but you ‘other-guy-swimming-in-the-lane-next-to-me-this-morning-at-the-pool-at-the-gym’, your penis on the other hand is absolutely gynormous. i know this because i looked, i was doing research you see. did you put a waterproof sock in there? even in a speedo, and even submerged under the cold water, it was still way larger than average. so you may continue to wear your speedo, if you wish.
call me.

7 responses to “boys, a speedo makes your junk look smaller.”

  1. But Paige – water magnifies, and if you were wearing goggles it would increase the magnification. So we’re going to need a lot more ‘tangible’ evidence here to believe this story 😉

  2. ok, fair enough i may have been wearing my goggles, i take your point. but what do you want me to do? dive over there and shove a ruler down his speedo? i still think even with the goggles you wouldn’t be disappointed with speedo boy, promise.

  3. PN> it was still way larger than average. so you may continue to wear your speedo, if you wish. Call me.

    Sorry luv, I was only in Cape Town for the day of the 15th, I had to head back to the old salt mine back on the North Coast, “The Last Outpost”.

    Speedo revelations #1)
    The risk of swimming in Speedo’s cannot be underestimated, I truly have had one nearly ripped off me while swimming by clutching hands and fingernails – but the one advantage of the Speedo is that you have extra speed when you need to get away from amorous fish 🙂

    Speedo revelations #2)
    I passed a fellow swimmer doing the Bondi Icebergs to north headland training swim – as if a one piece speedo was not revealing enough, she had rolled it down to her waist – there must be lessons in there too about wearing bathing wear that is totally impractical when swimming.

    [black painted toenails with Blouberg in background] – Did you hear about UBS bank in Switzerland, and their new employee etiquette guide. Black nail polish is now a disciplinary offence.

  4. re: black nailpolish being disciplinary offence, that’s fricken ridiculous. in some companies showing too much cleavage gets you fired. ridiculous!

  5. > it’s not blouberg. it’s up the west coast.

    Aha, I went fishing, and I got a bite. It looked like a windswept, forlorn beach with an icy sea, the hell and gone north of Saldanha (oops – Blouberg is just the same sort of beach and it is only 10km from the V&A).

    > showing too much cleavage gets you fired
    The unkindest low-cut of all I suppose?

    Knight In Stretched Speedo

    No joke, go look at my photo in the URL, my business ethos is
    – – – Have Jewels, Will Travel – – –

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