i’m not lying. i promise it does. to you, ‘boy-from-this-morning-by-the-pool-at-the-gym’, this is for your benefit, i hope you’re paying close attention. your girlfriend doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, and it would be a bit creepy if your mom talked to you about your willy size, so i’m here to help.
water is cold you see, so you’re already at a disadvantage when it comes to the general size of your love monster whilst swimming. so why wear something that highlights your lack of assets?
furthermore, if you think about it even a little bit, a speedo is really just a giant arrow shape pointing to, well to your penis, so when you wear a speedo it’s basically the equivalent of standing by the side of the pool/ocean, with an enormous flashing pointing arrow that says: “look over here people, look at my dick, isn’t it of below average size?”
and even more so if you have an odd tan, like you ‘boy-from-this-morning-by-the-pool-at-the-gym’. You obviously wear baggies quite a bit, so you are tanned to just above your knees, and then again to just below your belly button. leaving the entire area around your dick completely entirely white. now you may not be in advertising so you may not know this, but lots of white space is a really great way to draw attention. so there you are, poolside with the equivalent of a giant flashing, pointing sign, lots of white space and an arrow for a cozzie, all pointing out how small your dick is. good job.
but you ‘other-guy-swimming-in-the-lane-next-to-me-this-morning-at-the-pool-at-the-gym’, your penis on the other hand is absolutely gynormous. i know this because i looked, i was doing research you see. did you put a waterproof sock in there? even in a speedo, and even submerged under the cold water, it was still way larger than average. so you may continue to wear your speedo, if you wish. call me.