You've got to love some of these letters

I get THE BEST letters every week following my Sunday Times Column. Most Monday mornings, after having a good moan, and feeling miserable for a bit (it is after all a Moanday) I open my Gmail account with a feeling of pure expectant glee.

And this week was no exception. This one is a beauty. Here’s a link to the article we’re discussing, in case you missed it.

RE: Trying to be helpful
Dear Paige

I read your article “ A thingy by any other name “, in the Sunday Times Lifestyle magazine with interest and fully understand your dilemma. May I respectfully point you to a book I have now almost forgotten completely but can still remember only the title “Memoirs of an Oxford Scholar”. In this book the author referred to a woman’s vagina as “Venus mound”. This only came to me reading your article. If I remember correctly he/she had other such words for the male etc.


I hope this helps and good luck in the future with your endeavours.


Regards
Nick
Honourary Member
University of Life

Ah Nick, your letter was a rare pleasure. (I particularly loved your sign off) I shall Google ‘Memoirs of an Oxford Scholar’ with a view to buying at least two copies (in case I accidentally drop one in the bath – don’t you hate it when that happens!) ‘Venus Mound’ is a classic.

A blog reader named Sensuelle swung by and delivered this next bit to the comments section of the blog post, and it’s so good I have to share it with you. Sensuelle and her friend brainstormed some new names for the vagina and the penis, with a view to finding something a little more romantic/literary/pleasant-sounding.
here’s what they came up with:

• apricot of love
• bred ‘n’ butter
• warm embrace
• puffin’ muffin
• sin cushion
• velvet vessel
• butter churn
• strumpet crumpet


This one is awful…
• puckered purse of passion


and the absolute worst:
• love strawberry (a seedy name!)


For penis, we thought of blowing the
• kugel bugle

Our favorite,
For women:
• her nectarine


For men:
• his creamsicle


Sorry, Paige. After stirring the, er, pot, I may never be allowed to write another word. Oh dear, a spanking may be in order.

Sensuelle.

I must say for me, my favourites have to be between ‘sin cushion’ (genius!) and ‘apricot of love’ (so funny)
But sadly, as much as I love all of them, we may have to keep on looking. I’m just not entirely sure that , ‘…He ran his fingers over her nectarine…’ will work so well, unless the next book I write is a cook book!