Your heart will mend, your willy won’t

Morning, here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times column, where I put my cock on a block for you. 

COCK ON A BLOCK – By Paige Nick

A few years ago I had a boyfriend, briefly, who threatened to commit suicide every time I tried to break up with him. Like I said, it was brief.

I thought of him recently when I read about a twenty-two year old Macedonian chap who chopped off his penis and threw it in the bin when his girlfriend dumped him for having a small willy.

I don’t see how giving himself the chop would help. Unless he thought she’d get back together with him out of pity? Which seems unlikely, since size was the reason she broke up with him in the first place. I’ve never been any good at fractions, but isn’t no willy even smaller than a small willy?

In a complicated five-hour operation, surgeons reattached the member after it was fished out of the bin (a statement about being rubbish in bed?). I hope when he arrived at the hospital he was compos mentis enough to ask if they could add on an extra couple of centimeters while they were down there. They could have transplanted a chunk of his brain, he doesn’t seem to be using that. After the operation, doctors said it was still too early to know if he’d ever be able to play the organ again.

As much as I think this guy’s a dumbass, I blame his ex girlfriend. I don’t blame her for dumping him for his small willy, but sometimes there’s no harm in telling a small, white lie. Couldn’t she rather have said she didn’t love him anymore, or she was a lesbian, or his feet resembled that of a penguin? It just seems cruel to be so honest. What’s he going to do, train it longer?

A similar story of heartbreak just surfaced about a twenty-six year old Chinese woman who moved into a KFC for a week after her boyfriend dumped her. The fast food joint is open twenty four hours, she didn’t want to go back to her apartment because it was flooded with boyfriend memories, and she just felt like stock-piling fried food and having a good think, as you do. So she called in sick at work, then supersized her fries.

Now this I get. Women have been numbing the eina of break ups with ice cream and carbohydrates for as long as there have been freezers. I suppose we all act irrationally when we’re heartbroken, some just take it further than others.

But that’s how the dumped react, there’s an entirely different process for the dumper. This year I’ve been un-dumped twice. Women who date a lot will know this phenomenon.

A couple of years after you’ve been dumped you’ll get a text, FB friending, whatsapp or email out of the blue from your ex, re-establishing contact (often late on a Sunday night). Shortly thereafter you receive an apology for the way he dumped you via whatsapp/the day your dog died/while inside your best friend’s vagina. And all of this is usually followed by an attempt at re-coupling. That’s an un-dump.

Women dumpers rarely attempt an un-dump or a re-date. My theory is that men get less closure and have shorter memories. Women, who never forget anything, deal with a break up immediately. They go on a Twinsavers bender, mope in their pajamas, talk their friends’ ears off, and eat ice cream until it doesn’t hurt as much. Closure is important to us. While it’s not unusual to see a guy out on the town directly after a break up. A kind of relationship hair of the dog. They want to get right back on that horse as fast as they can. And any poor unsuspecting woman with a pulse and a vagina can be their mount.

Men distract themselves, avoid thinking about it, and therefore never really get closure. Which is why over the next few years, the things they didn’t like about you fade from memory and only the blowjob flashbacks or your boobs remain. But since women are generally on a different clock, by the time the man wakes up to the fact that he screwed up something good, the woman has long since realised he’s an ass-hat and moved on.

So chaps, consider this phenomenon next time you’re getting ready to dump your girlfriend in a text message; she may be a bitch, but karma’s an even bigger one. I’ll put my cock on a block about that.