You couldn't make this stuff up

Morning, hope you have a fantastic week. Here’s yesterday’s Sunday times column. And it’s all true. Every unbelievable word of it.


Reading the newspaper is something I highly encourage. And I’m not just saying that because they pay me. It’s important to know what’s going on in the world around us. But that being said, there’s really only so much raping and pillaging one can read before one’s eyeballs start to bleed.

That’s why I like those other stories in the paper, the small pieces that only take up a couple of columns or a little gap here or there, the ones that cover the more curious news. The bizarre tales of weirdness, quirky bits of craziness, and the wild lashings of idiocy reported on from around the world. I like to think of these stories as the sorbet of the news, the little something-something to cleanse your palette between the corruption and the mayhem.

They usually fall into one of a number of broad categories. The medical mysteries or anomalies, the ‘ah sweet’ stories; like when they find a pride of lions raising a baby buck, or the truly bizarre and oddly interesting snippets.

Like this piece that appeared recently about a Swedish man convicted of smuggling, who paid someone else to serve his twelve month sentence for him. The stunt double only ended up serving three quarters of the sentence and was released early for good behaviour, nogal. The cops only figured the whole scam out after the fake prisoner had been released on probation. They’ve put out a warrant for the arrest of the real villain, but I doubt they’ll ever find him. Chances are he’s somewhere warm, wearing a panama hat and drinking a fine Chianti, with a smug look on his face.

Prison-sitting might not be such a bad career choice in this day and age, depending on what country you live in, and how long your sentence is.I wouldn’t want to do it in South Africa, but I’m sure Swedish prisons run like clockwork.

Then there are the stories of sheer idiocy. Like the story of Jonathan G Parker, who broke into a woman’s house in The States. But before leaving with all her jewels he used her computer to quickly log into Facebook,where he poked his girlfriend, played a quick round of Farmville and updated his status, before disappearing off into the night. Only he forgot to log off before he went. So when the owner of the house came home she found his profile open and loaded on her computer. The police picked him up before he’d even made it home. Idiot. Something like this would never happen here. No South African burglar would ever be foolish enough to leave the computer behind.

Some of these stories are so completely bizarre, that if they didn’t appear in a newspaper you’d have a hard time believing them. Like the one about the set of British twins born just minutes apart, who celebrated their first birthday in London a couple of months ago. In an odd genetic quirk,one of them is black and the other is white, with blonde hair and blue eyes.True story.

Or the story of the 28-year-old waiter in Egypt who woke up at his own funeral. He’d been pronounced dead after suffering a tragic heart attack at work. When he sat up at his funeral he may have caused his mother a heart attack of her own. Reports say as soon as his mother was revived someone turned on some music and his funeral turned into a party, where he celebrated with his mourners.

And in other news, nine police cars in Oregon, USA, responded in force, combing the area and alerting officers in the next state, in a search for a woman who was reportedly seen naked and bound, her mouth taped with duct tape, trapped in the back of a car which was driving through town. When the police eventually tracked down the Subaru, the driver informed them that he and his girlfriend were simply doing some kinky Valentine’s Day role-playing.The couple were arrested and charged with disorderly conduct in the second degree.

Puppies that skateboard, Siamese twins who play doubles tennis, a woman who gives birth at her own wedding, you really couldn’t make this stuff up.

One response to “You couldn't make this stuff up”

  1. Anonymous says:

    great read, these are the kinda articles that you just enjoy from the git go. Had to envision the funeral being transformed to a party, the Arabs & their long robes

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