Here’s sunday’s column, in case you missed it:
I was paging through a woman’s magazine recently, when I found myself half way through and totally absorbed in an article on a series of sexual positions, which will reportedly ‘Drive your lover wild’. Which is exactly what every woman wants to do, isn’t it? Once she’s tamed him first, of course.
The magazine piece contained the name of each position, followed by step by step instructions on how to get into that position, as well as an illustrated drawing of a couple/people/group doing said position. I figured they used illustrations here because a photograph would not only have been obscene but also impossible to achieve. Where on earth would they find willing participants agile and naked enough to get into ‘The Double-sided Python’ or ‘The Upside Down Pretzel’?
A person could seriously throw their back out, or poke out an eye trying to recreate some of these positions. Articles like that should really come with some kind of disclaimer, like the ones they use on those stunt programmes. Something along the lines of: These sexual positions must only be performed by trained professionals or illustrated drawings – please don’t try this at home. We will not be held responsible. Etc, etc.
Let’s see, there was; ‘The Reverse Cowboy’, ‘The Backwards Lotus Flower’ and ‘The George Bush’. (It‘s dumb and unsatisfying, and you‘ll be paying for it for years.)
But back to practicalities, these people are out of their minds if they think I’m going to try any of those. Firstly there are the obvious agility issues (or lack of agility issues), and resulting embarrassment of having to call an ambulance and the local fire department in the heat of passion, to assist in ‘undoing’ the position. (For which task they may need to use the jaws of life.) I like firemen as much as the next girl, but that’s really not my idea of a happy ending.
I recently read in a survey that 90% of people who have sex do it in the missionary position. Boring, yes maybe. But can you blame them? Let’s be realistic here, after a hard day’s work, who’s got the energy? Most nights I’m lucky enough to build up the motivation to floss before I get into bed, let alone limber up, do my stretches and then contort myself into ‘The Mutant Crocodile’ or the ‘Rugby Scrum’.
I maintain that any sexual position that requires me to wrap my ankles around my own neck, or do a handstand, has got another think coming. When you’re over thirty five, gravity is enough of a problem when you’re facing the right way up, let alone upside down, or ‘Riding Side Saddle’.
I’m not saying we should all just stick to the same old missionary position every night and twice on Sunday’s. I’m all for trying something new, but surely there’s got to be some kind of happy medium here. One that doesn’t result in me in a back brace for the next six to eight weeks. Which is possibly the only thing less sexy than the missionary position.