A wise but slutty woman once told me – ‘All men look the same in the dark.’
And after spending a fair amount of time on the online dating website I’ve noticed that many of them look the same in the light too.
There is a group of men on the dating website that I’ve lovingly come to term ‘The Motorheads’.
All the men in this group have two massive misconceptions in common.
1. They all believe they’re the only ones in the history of the universe to come up with the clever idea of using car salesman terminology to sell themselves on the dating website.
and 2. They all believe that woman are wildly, madly, truly fascinated and turned on by car terminology.
As I said, they’re massively misinformed.
Here are just five of the several thousand I’ve come across. Click on the image to enlarge.
Motorhead Number One:
Ah yes, how clever, how romantic, how poignant. ‘A bit of rust around the grill’… does that mean what I think it does?
And ‘Recent panel beating done…’ – has he had a facelift? recently beaten up by a gang of thugs? Hard to tell.
Here’s another one –
Motorhead Number Two:
These analogy’s confuse me. When he says that ‘A nice set of wheels would be a welcome extra!’ Does he mean he’s looking for a chick with nice big tits, or is he really just looking for someone who drives a nice car?
That’s just one of the reasons that these analogy profiles can be dangerous. A woman with big tits who drives a fucked up Datsun may overlook his profile entirely, thinking she doesn’t drive a nice enough car for him. And they could have been so good together.
Here’s another –
Motorhead Number Three:
Eeeuuuuuwwww gross dude!
I suppose the female equivalent of using car salesman speak to sell yourself would be if I used fashion terminology to sell myself:
Second hand pair of boots seeks new owner. Was once in fashion, but that was over a season ago. Old owner kicked me around a little, so I’m slightly scuffed, but still incredibly comfortable, and with a bit of polish will shine up as good as new. Have at least four more seasons left in me, as long as the rounded toe-look doesn’t go out of fashion.
It’s the same thing, right?
Except no woman in her right mind would be foolish enough to think that men would be interested. We’d have better luck selling ourselves as cars. Hey that’s a genius plan. It should be the women selling themselves to the men using car speak, not the other way around.
Or beer speak might work too.
‘…Full bodied beer looking for someone to swill her. Gives great head…’
OMG it’s a genius plan, why didn’t I think of it sooner?
Here’s another –
Motorhead Number Four:
‘Steady executive job with comfortable income’... oooh sexy!
And here’s one more, although I’m pretty sure they’re all starting to sound the same by now –
Motorhead Number Five:
Actually that one’s kind of clever right, at least none of the analogy’s are all that scary. Except for the ‘Upholstery has minor discolouration…’ part, that could have gone either way without the bracketed explanation.
There are dozens more, but I thought I’d stop here. You get the picture.
What the hell is it with men and cars?