So folks, following on from yesterday’s post, here’s the latest Sunday Times column. The unedited version. Sunday Times lobbed off a couple of the more risqué sentences before they went to print. So here’s the whole thing, warts and all.
WE’RE A COMPETITIVE BUNCH
I recently read an article about Tatiana Kozhevnikova, a 42 year old lady from Russia, who set a new world record lifting weights with her vagina.
I must be honest, personally I didn’t know that having a strong vagina was even a thing.
I mean I’ve heard of Kegel Exercises, the exercises women can do to keep themselves um er um… er… fit… down there… you know. (Thanks for that Dr Arnold Kegel, the women and men of the world applaud you.) But I had no idea that we had turned it into an exercise/weight lifting type event. Human beings are truly astonishing, give us a tape measure and half a chance and we’ll turn anything into some kind of competition.
I have always been under the impression that the competitive streak was mainly ‘a guy thing’ driven by testosterone more than anything else. Watch a group of dudes standing around a braai, and if the one stubbed his toe, then the next one has broken his foot, and the third one has lost a limb, but had it grow back again shortly thereafter.
But our new friend, weight-lifting Russian Tatiana, proves otherwise. And made me realise that it’s not just the men doing this. It’s all of humankind. There is close to nothing that we don’t compete over. And The Guinness Book of Records validates all of it. The world’s longest hiccougher, the world’s widest mouth, the longest distance travelled with a refrigerator. You name it; people have measured, timed or rated it. Think of any competition, there’s nothing too crazy, and if it’s not already out there, and you qualify, then the record could be all yours.
You’ve got to wonder why it’s so important for us to measure the world’s fattest cucumber, or the most balloons ever inflated by someone’s nose in three minutes, or the dog with the world’s longest tongue? Why are we doing these things? I suppose everybody’s got to be good at something.
If you’ve never noticed this rampant competitive streak before, I recommend you try this simple test the next time you’re at a dinner party. Bring up a topic, any topic. It really doesn’t matter what you bring up and whether it’s good news or bad news, the results will always be the same. Someone in your conversation circle will be able to better it. I guarantee it. Mention that you’ve only been on three dates in the last six months, and the girl to the right of you will have only been on one date in her entire life and it was with a one-armed bandit from South America who wore an eye patch.
Tell someone that you have a great GP and they’ll tell you all about their GP who is even better and faster and cheaper and nicer and more GPer than your GP. We just can’t help ourselves, it’s human nature. Hell, we even call ourselves the human race. If that’s not competitive, I don’t know what is.
Oh you’re tired because you didn’t sleep well last night, well, you can’t believe how tired I am, I haven’t slept since February. It’s a great game you can play that will provide hours of entertainment at even the most boring cocktail party. (You think your party was boring, you should have been at the one I went to last week!)
Tatiana, that Russian lady-parts weight lifter from earlier, told the media that she’s spent the last fifteen years training to reach her goal of lifting fourteen kilos. Wow, that’s pretty impressive. Give her another fifteen years and she’ll be able to lift your car.
On how she got started doing this (because how could you not want to know) Tatiana says: ‘After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem by using wooden balls,’ she said. ‘I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and…’
And I think I’ll leave the rest of her story to your imagination.
Go Tatiana, way to turn a potentially embarrassing trip to the emergency room into a life-long career.