The Year of the Cock

Sunday’s column, here you go. Happy Monday, hope it’s not a cock-up for you. 

A YEAR OF COCK UPS – By Paige Nick

I think 2015 is going to be the year of the penis. Last year and the year before that were unashamedly the year of the booty. And the two years before that were both the years of the boobs – with more nip slips than you can shake a selfie stick at. And let’s be honest, just about every year before that has been the year of the vagina.

A few weeks ago, fashion designer Rick Owens, sent his male models down the runway during Paris Fashion Week wearing… I don’t know what to call them… smocks maybe? With glory-hole type peepholes, through which the men’s penises poked, tortoise-like, as they walked.

 

cock

 

I clicked through the images of his collection on a website ironically entitled ‘The Cut’, which many of the male models, I’m sad to say, I now know are not.

As one website put it, ‘It was like a game of penis peek-a-boo during his menswear Fall 2015 show.’ Or should that have read during his menswear Fail 2015 show?

We’re so used to seeing near naked women on the runway, at premiers, awards shows and in music videos, that the odd nipple, bum or fanny shot doesn’t really phase us anymore. But it’s still not every day that men dangle their dongles.

The only explanation I can think of is that Rick Owens wants to bring men clothes that they can wear without the fear of getting their junk caught in the zipper.

Other than shock value and maybe to push the industry’s envelope, I’ve never been sure of the point of those weird runway shows. Like the time designer Patrick Mohr, sent his female models down the runway during Berlin Fashion Week bald, but with beards.

Honestly, I don’t think for a second that the lady-beard designer, wants you to stop your lazer hair removal treatments on your chin, or that Rick Owen is insinuating you go to work wearing hole-in-one pants, or even that you should rock out with your cock out at the gym. These are the concept cars of the fashion world. They may show a car with a toilet built into the front seat at a car show, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be bringing out the Honda Whizz next week.

This isn’t the first time the penis has been idolized in public. The Japanese have been worshiping the one-eyed trouser snake for centuries. They even have a couple of annual penis festivals. There’s the Honen-sai Matsuri, and the Kanamara Matsuri, which literally means the Festival of the Steel Phallus.

In the village of Komaki, there’s a shrine devoted to the penis. Every spring, people line the streets to cheer as sixteen men carry a giant 2.5 metre wooden cock, which weighs almost 300 kilograms, through the city. While others wander through the cheering crowds with smaller penis sculptures which the respectful onlookers (of all ages) can rub for good luck. Everyone eats eat penis shaped sweets and vegetables to celebrate. No questions of spit or swallow there.

And in Bhutan they paint willies on their homes to protect their families from evil spirits and to promote fertility.

However, according to the Chinese Zodiac, 2015 is actually The Year Of The Goat. The goat characteristic is thought to love peace and be helpful and trusting. It’s also clinging and is resistant to change and will eat just about anything.

I think my theory of 2015 being The Year of the Cock bodes much better for all of us. While it will be hard at times, if treated correctly it will bring much pleasure, and will also be over quite quickly, and then we can all roll over and get a little shut-eye.



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