the female condom

you know, i like to think that you and me can talk about anything, because we usually do.

today – condoms.

one of my clients has bowls of these lying in their ladies bathrooms. i would have preferred mints (sealed in individual wrappers, of course) but this is good too.

hoorah, it’s the female condom.

check out the packaging, it says:

‘Use with every Sex Act’ which is closely followed by ‘One Time Use Only’ – hmmm not the clearest of instructions.

i’m assuming they have the boy version in the boy’s toilets.

i’m sorry, but could men be any lazier? like we don’t already do everything , now us chicks have to wear the condom too.

it looks like this on the inside.

so curious as to how it works, i googled images for ‘female condom’, wondering what mr and mrs google had to show on the subject.

this is it:

i don’t know about you, but i think they’re doing it all wrong.

small hint: chick, you should be nekkid. dude, you don’t use your finger.

here are the educational drawrings on the back of the pack. the official ‘how to’ if you will:


step one: open packet. (not sure how else you’d get in there.)


step two: dye your hands purple.


step three: do that thing that they show you above.

step four: all three of you insert the condom. don’t know how this suddenly became a menage a trois with no men involved. after all the trouble these ladies have gone to, the condom may not even be necesary.

steps five and six: were quite graphic in a diagramatic, line-drawing kind of way, so i thought i’d spare your eyeballs.


step seven: the end result, sort of self explanatory.


step eight: penis in. oh baby, oh baby, oh baby, oh baby. etcetera, etcetera.

step nine: twist and remove. while he snores loudly next to you.

step ten: disposal.

step eleven: hunt for your knickers and your other shoe that somehow got wedged behind the bed. dress quickly in the dark, putting your top on inside out and discovering you’re trying to get into his jeans instead of yours. do the walk of shame. grin.

or is that just me?


8 responses to “the female condom”

  1. wozzel says:

    well… that was educational.

    (i always read your blog before brekkie these days……)

  2. Nik_TheGreek says:

    indeed…
    however, I can’t see the point. Is this easier to use and more practical than the normal one?

  3. Paige says:

    by normal one, do you mean female condom vs the guy condoms?

    i suppose they both are just as easy/unpleasant/irriating but necesary as the other.

    i guess this just gives the chick control over the condom wearing.

  4. Juz says:

    Where is the “peed my pants” option? Love the purple hands.
    PS. 84 I see…oooh.

  5. Paige says:

    hey Juz – has ‘peed my pants’ disappeared for you? blog being a bit glitchy, i think it’s because it doesn’t like being beaten by your cartoon ass!

    he he, you’re destroying me, nice one dude. starting to feel quite relieved that we didn’t settle on a liver!

  6. Pants says:

    i deff let out a little wee to this one, u missed the fact tht this woman has two right hands in #3

  7. Paige says:

    wahahahahha you’re right, i missed that! poor girl!

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