Small things

Morning team,

Hope you had a superb weekend. Here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times Column. It’s about weenie weenies. And for the record, personally I don’t think size matters*. As with all things in life, it’s what you do with what you’ve got that counts.

Hopa, great week everyone.

*within reason of course, I would imagine 1cm is a little awkward.



An online erotica website based in Denmark is currently holding a competition to find the world’s smallest penis. If the entries so far are anything to go by they may need a couple of magnifying glasses to do the judging.

The winner (who if you think about it is also actually the loser) will take a home an iPhone, and I would imagine a bit of a bruised ego, while the runners up all get iPads. They’re nice prizes, but surely whatever they walk away with will be a bit of a let-down? All the iGoodies in the world won’t give you a bigger penis.

These days the world seems to be all about bigger, bigger, more, more, so I think it’s kind of nice that this website is seeing fit to honour the little man.

Men interested in entering the competition must just email in a photograph of their erect penis (zoom lens might be required) alongside a tape measure, before the 31st of January. So all you trouser-snake-challenged South Africans still have four days to find your glasses, some tweezers and a ruler. One of those tiny pencil case ones will probably do.

To give you some idea of what they’re looking for, the smallest penis ever recorded came in at about one centimetre, yeah, yours doesn’t seem all that small now, does it?

To truly understand how small that really is, let’s take a look at the averages. In a study of penis sizes based on country, The Republic of Congo came out on top with an average penis length of 18cm. That’s some stiff competition. South Africa ranked a not so shabby 7th out of the 113 countries studied, at an average of 15.2cm.

I pity the scientists who drew this short straw in the research lottery. British men came in 78th with an average length of 13.9cm and American dudes weighed in at around 12.9cm. On the other end of the measuring tape, you have to feel a little sorry for Asian woman, with North and South Koreans coming in at around 9.6 centimetres. I guess they’re figures that will come in handy at the next United Nations Assembly when determining who’s in charge.

The debate about whether size actually matters is an age-old one. Men with small penises and the women married to them will tell you categorically that size really doesn’t make any difference at all and they lead an active and fulfilling blah blah blah. But the fact that the penis enlargement business is a multi-billion dollar a year growth industry (sorry) begs to differ.

Whilst doing my research I came across thousands of websites offering men different solutions to this perceived problem. Everything from pumps (either manual or electronically operated) to creams, pills, patches, steroids, injections and even surgery. I also came across the very latest enhancement fad, known as a Penis Enlargement Coach.

Essentially it’s the equivalent of getting a personal trainer for your willy. The mental image I get is priceless and entails a really tiny dumbbell.

One of the more famous Penis Enlargement Coaches I read up on is named Big Al. Which kind of struck me as a little insensitive. Talk about rubbing your client’s noses in it. It’s like a plastic surgeon calling himself Doctor Perfect Nose.

Big Al offers one-on-one Penis Boot Camps that aid in improving penile fitness with the use of penis exercises, known as jelqs. A couple thousand reps of those and you’re good to go.

These growth coaches claim to be on the cutting edge of enhancement technology, so they’re able to tell you which of the thousands of enhancement options will best suit your needs. And as an added bonus they provide all sorts of fascinating and simple tips for the average undersized guy on the street. For example, guys, did you know that if you shave ‘down there’ it makes your thingy look bigger? Other sage advice includes only dating women with really tiny hands. It creates an optical illusion, so in the right hands your member can appear way larger than it really is. Thank you, that will be a thousand dollars.

I’m going to need the money in cash if you don’t mind. Whilst researching this piece I was forced to visit a number of penis enlargement websites. So not only am I about to be inundated with get-a-larger-penis spam for the rest of my life, but after seeing the things I’ve seen, I’m now also going to have to have a frontal lobotomy and have my eyeballs removed, and unlike penis enlargements, that kind of surgery doesn’t come cheap.

4 responses to “Small things”

    • Hello Rachel, well according to a Tannie from PE, my inspiration came directly from the devil. 🙂

      @David, as always, peace.

  1. *snicker* Oh dear, I can’t help but feel sorry for Mr 1cm. Shame man! You’re right too, not sure an iAnything could make up for that.

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