Sex in triplicate

Hey ho. Ever have a threesome? They can be damn hard work. Here’s my latest Sunday Times column: 

SEX IN TRIPLICATE – By Paige Nick

My friend Charlie told me that his friend, Doug, met a woman at a bike rally. After they’d been dating for a month, she had him and a girlfriend over for dinner and asked Doug if he wanted to have a threesome. He couldn’t believe his luck. When he enthusiastically agreed, she dumped him.

She said it was a test, and she could never get into a long-term relationship with a guy who had those kinds of morals.

I think about this woman a lot. I’m willing to bet my appendix she’s still single. Is there a man alive who would pass this test? Testing if a bloke likes porn or would be keen on a threesome, if either just happens to land in his lap, is the equivalent of seeing if he breathes through his nose when his mouth is shut.

Here’s a trade secret guys, if a situation with a woman seems too good to be true, it probably is. If a girlfriend offers you a threesome out of the blue, proceed with caution. Don’t jump up and down pumping your fist in the air, shouting; ‘Yes, yes, yes, I thought you’d never ask. Plus your friend is a hottie!’ You could even tentatively decline at first, at least until you’re sure the offer is legitimate.

Recently at a dinner, we got onto the subject of threesomes. It started out honorably enough, talking about nuclear science and high literature, and then the discussion gently segued into group misadventures.

The first question that always Mexican waves around the table when this topic comes up, is who’s had one? Three out of six had. Someone admitted to a foursome, but this was immediately thrown out of the conversation, on the grounds that a foursome is really just two couples having sex in the same room at the same time.

The next issue up for debate is configuration. According to my corridor research, for most heterosexual women, first choice is having men make up the majority in their dream threesome. Particularly if one of them is David Beckham and the other is Ryan Gosling. It makes sense since women are generally sensitive to the size of their thighs, particularly when in close comparison with another woman’s.

Heterosexual men, on the other hand, are consistently adamant on this issue; getting two women into bed with them wins every time. This is because your average heterosexual man is naturally wary of enjoying a sexual experience that includes another man. Although common logic is that as long as they don’t intentionally touch each other to any large extent (ie on the penis), then there’s nothing gay about it. (Of course the odd brush up can’t be helped.)

I found all the people I quizzed on this subject adamant in their preferences. Which made me think, if we feel so strongly about it, surely there would never be any threesomes taking place, as between the sexes, we’d never be able to agree on a configuration. But it only takes one spin around any dinner party for all the proof you need that threesomes are alive and well. So somebody must be compromising along the way.

While ultimately fun (according to reports), they come with an awful lot of politics. One of the great dangers of a ménage a trois, besides unsatisfactory configurations, chafe and dehydration, is that according to the law of averages, surely one person will always feel left out? Nobody wants to be the pity person in a threesome. Although, let’s be honest, you don’t really want to be the main attraction either.

Because depending on the arrangement you choose or luck into, a threesome can be damn hard work. Especially if you’re the only person bringing a penis or a vagina to the party. At least if you’re a member (ha, member) of the sex that’s doubled up, you have a a stunt double on the scene, so you can take a break every now and then; to read a newspaper, eat a jam sandwich or just watch from the sidelines.

The way I see it, sex is already blimming complicated when there are just two people involved. What with all those emotions and body fluids to deal with, not to mention the choreography. We must have a death wish to want to throw in a third party. Although if so many people are doing it, it can’t be all that bad can it? Maybe it’s even easy once you get the hang of it. A bit like riding a tricycle.