Revenge crabs.

I’m willing to admit it. I’ve dated some real fuckers in my time!

Over the years there have been the cheaters, the stealers, the dealers, the addicts, the fuckwits and the idiots. You know the type, right?

And while I’ve often wanted revenge at some point or other, I think the worst thing I’ve ever done is write an ex into a scene in my book. Hardly crippling revenge to strike fear into the heart of an adulterer, now that I look back at it.

But I recently heard about these guys on some crazy TV show – they’ve turned revenge into some kind of wild art form.

Introducing (drum roll please…) Revenge Crabs.

It’s a website where you can go to purchase pubic lice. Yes, don’t rub your eyes, you read that properly. You can purchase pubic lice, commonly known as crabs, which you can then plant in the bed or car seat belonging to that certain someone, be they your cheating ex, your irritating house mate, or your mate who’s fucking your wife. And that’s revenge.

Itchy yet? I know, it’s totally gross.

Here’s one of their ads:

As we say here at A Million Miles, the world is full of freaks and lunatics.

Here are some of the FAQ off their website, just click on the image to enlarge.

Can I give crabs to myself? Some douchebag asks. Duh?

Another genius question. How do I give away these crabs?

How do you think fuckwit? By osmosis? No there’s dirty work involved:

Another question:

What will I get in the mail?

Dude, you paid for crabs, right? So, what are you going to get in the mail? A fucking tennis racket? What do you think you’re going to get in the mail!

And another FAQ:

I have head lice; can I just stuff that in my girlfriends pants?


I love how they respond to this one. Any company with a sense of humour has to be cool. Except for a pubic lice-selling company, that can never be cool! That can only be gross and make you want to go take a very hot shower, and not piss off your girlfriend ever.

The site is run by some college boys, surprise, surprise. They harvest the little buggers and send them off. Gross, it’s too disgusting to think about anymore. I need a shower.