Retard Barbie

Recently it was my BFF’s daughter’s fourth birthday. (BFF stands for Best Friend Forever, just in case you aren’t still in high school and you don’t follow Paris Hilton.)

For four she’s certainly a girl who knows what she wants. She only had three requests. A Princess Party, a pretty dress and a Barbie Cake. I’m impressed, it took me to the age of thirty to figure out exactly what I want, and even then the list still changes, depending on my mood.

So the Barbie Cake is where I came in. I like to bake, you see. I can’t cook for shit. And have been known on occassion to burn both air and water, but I can bake. So we set to work.
We baked.
And we baked.
And we decorated, and we decorated and we decorated.
Let me tell you, it’s about a million times trickier than you would think.
You think ah, a Barbie Cake, how hard can that be, right? You just make a big roundish shaped cake, then you pull off Barbie’s legs and shove her torso into the cake, and then you ice. Using the colour pink liberally.
Well yes in theory, simple. In practice, not so much.
Before I started my Art Director/Life Saver and I went online and downloaded some references, and in the process found some examples of what NOT to do when making a Barbie birthday cake:
A ‘Porno Barbie’ Cake, probably not such a good idea for a bunch of four year olds.
Ummmm… ‘Cling Wrap Barbie’. She’s kind of scary. And what’s with that crazy pink molten-lava looking icing?
‘Retard Barbie’ is particularly scary. What’s with those short strange zombie arms? Shame, let’s rather call her ‘Special School Barbie’, it’s way more PC.
This next one isn’t so bad, but does illustrate one of the tricky areas of making a convincing Barbie Cake, the skirt has to be deep enough to be realistic that she’s standing under there, otherwise you get into this weird sitting down scenario:

Ah, another ‘Special Needs Barbie’ Cake:

And ‘Just Plain Strange Looking Barbie’ cake:


So with these mistakes to avoid, we set to work. Terrified we were going to make something awful, and with Charley’s Bakery on speed dial, just in case we needed to put in any last minute orders, we set to work.
I bring you: Pinkie’s 4th Birthday Barbie Cake: 
Okay, so it’s no major masterpiece, but I was super relieved that it wasn’t an horrific monstrosity that would give those little girls nightmares, or be responsible for years worth of therapy when they grow up.
There was a scary moment, when we pulled off one of Barbie’s arms by accident and then couldn’t get it back on again. She was almost ‘Special Needs One-armed Bandit Barbie’ Cake.
But thanks to a pair of tweezers, a bottle of wine and some super glue, we were good to go in the end.
So, what’s it going to be next year Pinkie? Cell phone cake, mermaid cake, Manolo Blahnik cake? Bring it on. I’ve still got Charley’s Bakery on speed dial.


27 responses to “Retard Barbie”

  1. wozzel says:

    it is beautiful.
    i shall order my barbie cake from you for my 30th next year 🙂

    oh. wait. i just remembered. heeeee! i would prefer a Ken cake thank you 🙂

  2. Paige says:

    a Ken cake! awesome, although he can’t be in a skirt, we’ll have to come up with something else. hmmmmm x

  3. wozzel says:

    he could be driving.
    you could create the Ken in Porsche cake 🙂

  4. Ang! says:

    I’m with wozzel…you need to do a ken cake! put him in bell bottoms 🙂

  5. Paige says:

    love it. Ken in drag, in a porche in bell bottoms. Done, done and done.

  6. wozzel says:

    Ang!
    you are my new BFF! I love the idea of Ken in bell bottoms 🙂

  7. Alwill says:

    Ken sitting on a huge dildo cake?

  8. Paige says:

    First of all, Wozz, i thought I was your BFF.

    and Alwill… that’s the cherry on top… This is Wozzel’s birthday cake –

    Ken, in drag and bell bottoms, in a porche all on top of a huge dildo, all made out of cake!

  9. wozzel says:

    I flipping love cake.

    Dildo cake happens to be my fave.

    Paige – you will always be my number 1 😉

  10. Paige says:

    a dildo cake, otherwise known as a cock-cake.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Someone say cock and cake in same sentence? You learnt from master. Was his name Donoven Gloy?

  12. Paige says:

    Ahhhh Donoven Gloy, now there’s a lovely cookie. x

  13. Kaloo says:

    My birthdays coming up soon, and I was hoping you did requests.
    Im quite impressed by Barbie Cake.
    (Whats with Cling-Wrap Barbie? Like seriously…)
    But I’m looking for something that personifies my character and super-human qualities.
    Im looking for a mix between a Chuck Norris cake and a Tom Cruise “Mission Impossible” cake.

    Can you make me an Impossible Chuck Norris cake?
    I will pay you 5 Million Zim Dollah.
    In cash.

  14. Paige says:

    Cash, you should have said so. I’ve made it already, that’s how powerful this cake is.

    Chuck Norris had the same cake for his birthday. And when you’re Chuck Norris every day is your birthday. So Chuck Norris eats this cake every day. Hah! Happy Birthday.

  15. Kaloo says:

    lol.
    Oh, so it’s more like a Kellogs ake if he has it every day then. I could see how that would work.
    His superhuman power is being regular 🙂

    My birthdays only in January, but I kinda figured it would take months to make a cake worthy.
    Speaking of which..
    A friend of mine went for a job interview at Albany Bakery.
    Turns out they were looking for someone to stand around and act like a cake 🙂

  16. Anonymous says:

    I’m guessing you don’t have any family member with special needs. If you did you wouldn’t have written anything as cruel as retard barbie. I’m guessing it’s too bad for your birthday no one bakes you an ignorant barbie cake.

  17. Paige says:

    Hello anonymous.

    I guess it’s all fun and games until someone gets their feelings hurt.

    Fair enough, you’re right, it’s a post that has a couple of insensitive areas. When i wrote it i hovered over that word and deleted it, replaced it with something else and then ultimately retyped it.

    You know I try hard not to offend anyone here, my hope is that it’s a place of fun and laughter, but it’s not always possible to keep everyone happy, and every now and then someone gets their feelings hurt. Which makes me sad.
    Everything i do here is with a light heart and a tongue placed firmly in cheek, with no aim to be destructive.
    Anonymous, i apologise for upsetting you, and you have my word that i will endeavour to be more sensitive in this area.
    i hope you find your way back here to enjoy future posts, and i can try make this up to you by trying to make you laugh another time, but if not i totally understand.
    Wishing you all the best, anonymous.

  18. Edyth says:

    Hey, anonymous, I have three family members with learning disabilities. One of the family members is my son. He hasn’t been able to read for a long time. But after a very hard struggle, he is now reading, just a bit, but enough for me to think it will come together. Throughout the struggle, him and me have laughed a lot together – as we stumbled around those words, spitting and mispronouncing and getting hot and sad at these strange letters on a page. So anonymous – you have a good point, but I think if my son could read this blog, he would chuckle quite hard. Cos we have laughed together about stuff that outsiders wouldn’t find funny. It kept us going. But I get where you are coming from. Sometimes it’s too sore. And I hope it gets better for you.

  19. Ang! says:

    I wonder what ignorant Barbie would look like?

  20. OMG you people are hilarious! I found your blog through Ang… and am very glad I took the time to read all your comments..

    My inner-brat has been in full-swing today, but after reading this post, its comments and checking out the porno dumbass barbies, the day is suddenly looking a whole lot brighter..

    and btw.. just so you know.. my eldest wanted a bug/insect cake for his second birthday.. I found a recipe and followed it to the letter. It was supposed to look like a fallen tree with bugs crawling all over it.. it ended up looking like a big poop with bugs crawling all over it..

    That was my first and only attempt at baking cakes for my boys for their birthdays.. I now spend a stupid amount of money to make sure someone else gets it right.. My sons and I are all happy with this arrangement!

  21. Paige says:

    Hello ‘Just an ordinary woman’ – and welcome *waves my hand off*.

    Oh how badly I want to see your fallen tree with bugs crawling all over it cake. Would you be willing to share it with us? It sounds fabulous. You can find me on paige@polka.co.za if you have a pic you’d be willing to share.

    It’s hard right? At one point i looked at her skirt, when it was only partially iced and i wanted to cry it really did not look good! it seems so much easier than it actually is.

    anyway so glad you’re enjoying the blog. Thank you. 🙂

  22. Of course.. would be happy to share the poop cake with you.. It has taken me a few years to see the funny side, but it is definitely one of my funnier moments!

    The one thing I remember very clearly about that day is watching other people’s faces as it dawned on them that it looked like a big poop log..

    I will track down a pic and send it on to you!

  23. Peatree says:

    Why do people so often hide behind the ‘Anonymous” tag when posting something even slightly confrontational? Well handled anyway by all who responded.
    @Paige – I have a funny story for you about the word ‘retard’ and can assure you I wasn’t the one using it and nor do I use it unless relating this anecdote. I’ll inbox it sometime.

  24. Kaloo says:

    I totally agree with Peatree.
    It’s like walking into a room full of people having body massages, and smacking the one you don’t like on the butt and running out before they can turn over.

    Or maybe thats just me.

  25. marky mark says:

    …and all i was looking for was somewhere i could find a barbie doll cake for a friend…
    u guys/gals put a broad smile on my face…
    now to get back to tracking down a barbie doll dress cake for my buddy, well actually he wants a Ken in drag cake but i thought tracking down barbie cakes would be easier, rofl… then i read the comments and realised everyone else had already thought of that idea

  26. Paige says:

    Hey Marky mark, where are you located? i’m sure Charly’s Bakery here in Cape Town would happily make you a ken in drag cake! good luck, send us a pic if you get one in the end and i’ll defs post it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *