Quick cuddle anyone?

Morning team,

So much going on right now, I’m actually excited about a Monday. I know, crazy right.

Hope you have a kick-ass week.

p.

A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick

THE GIRL IN THE BUBBLE

What kind of person are you, huggy or non-huggy? I’m somewhere in the middle, in that whatever I do usually ends up inappropriate. I once hugged a client by mistake instead of shaking hands, and managed to set a bizarre precedent whereby we now hug uncomfortably whenever we see each other, it’s very awkward.

It’s a matter of personal space,different people have different tolerance levels. Some people were clearly at the back of the queue when they were handing out personal space and they barely got any at all. These types really like to get right up in your face when you’re chatting, close enough to count your eyelashes. And if you take a step backwards whilst talking to this kind of person, they’ll see it as an invitation to take a step closer to you again. You can waltz with them like this for ages, or until you find yourself backed up against a wall with nowhere else to go and a small panic attack building. A worst case scenario must be a personal-space hogger with halitosis. You can step back all you want, but there’s no escape.

The other kind of person is one with the need for vast quantities of personal space. Two ladies I work with, Dil and Vicks, have this. They’d rather have a stand-off with an already angry tiger that is being stung by wasps, than submit to a hug. I’ve seen these girls go to gargantuan lengths to avoid physical contact. Vicks once fell out of a bed in an attempt to avoid a post-coital cuddle. Rooms are too small for these people, narrow corridors haunt them. Look you can hardly blame them, have you seen the statistics on the kinds of germs we swap in a simple handshake? It’s enough to scare anybody into a bubble.

These kinds of people would be absolutely horrified by Jacqueline. She runs a website called The Snuggery. It’s a place you can go to book an appointment for your very own private snuggling session. Quick cuddle anyone?

Were all the other jobs taken? Does nobody want to be an accountant or a lawyer anymore? I didn’t even know that hugging was a genuine career choice you could make these days. I really must try keep up.

Jacqueline aims to ‘make the world a gentler place, one snuggle at a time’. Her theory is that human contact is good for your health and produces more serotonin and oxytocin, which makes us calmer and happier. Furthermore, she believes that non-huggers tend to be more agitated and aggressive than touchy feely people. I don’t know Jacqueline, the opposite may be true too, I’ve seen Dil and Vicks get quite agitated and aggressive at the thought of physical contact.

The snuggery website is full of picturesof Jacqueline in her PJ’s, ready to snuggle all over you. She has a Bachelor degree in Brain and Cognitive Science, so she may be a whack-job, but at least she’s an educated whack-job.

Meet Jacqueline, go on, give her a quick snuggle.

Her website advertises a 45 minute snuggle for $50, a 60 minute snuggle for $60 and a 90 minute snuggle for $90.Call me cynical but I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this kind of service offered before, only I don’t think it’s called snuggling.

My favourite part of her site is the frequently asked questions section. I mean who wouldn’t have questions?

For example, what does one wear for a professional snuggling? Jacqueline recommends something loose fitting, like pajamas. Which could be awkward if your snuggle is scheduled for the middle the day. Do you wear your pajamas to work on that day, or do you put them on under your suit?

Also you’ll be pleased to hear that you can meet her before your snuggle, to check snuggling compatibility. What if she wants to back-to-back snuggle and you’re more of a back-to-front snuggler?There are so many snuggling logistics to cons
ider.

And then of course there’s the $99 question, what happens if you become sexually aroused during your snuggle? And does it come with a happy ending? According to Jacqueline it’s perfectly normal to get aroused mid-snuggle, it happens all the time and shouldn’t make anyone uncomfortable, she says. Well it shouldn’t, but I’m sure it does. My, my, is that a torch in your pajama pocket Mr Wilson? Sexual activity and nudity are strictly prohibited, no ninky nonky allowed.

One last section on her website entitled ‘bartering’ caught my eye. In it she lists a number of items she’s happy to trade in exchange for snuggles, including but not limited to plumbing, painting and lawn mowing, Jeffrey Campbell shoes and oddly enough, Lego. She will also happily swap for any organic local produce or free-range eggs. I think it’s a brilliant plan, next time I go to Pick ‘n Pay I’m going to offer to pay the store manager with a thirty minute snuggle instead of cash. I just hope he remembers to bring his jammies.