pregnancy test, pass or fail?

what’s the bet the over-the-counter pregnancy test was invented by a woman, but designed by a man?

just in case you’ve never had to do the chemist walk of shame before, let me fill you in, i haven’t done millions of them or anything, but we’ve all had that question mark at some point or other, right?

(personal aside: don’t worry mom, i’m not pregnant!)

so the test itself comes in the form of a stick type contraption that you have to wee on. then you wait five minutes and then you must decipher a complicated set of hieroglyphics that appear out of the wee, so you can figure out whether you’re puking ‘cos you ate at something fishy, or because you’ve gone and had too much fun in your happy place.

i mean don’t get me wrong, it’s a fanfuckingtastic concept, but it’s possibly one of the most impractically ill-designed inventions ever. surely, there has to be a better way? and yes, i did just call you surely.

first of all the stick they give you is really way too short, so if it’s the first time you’ve ever used one there’s a good chance you’re going to get wee on your hand. another problem is that the area you have to wee on is really tiny. now remember, we’re not engineered like men. everything we’ve got is down under, so it’s not a matter of just pointing yourself in the right direction. that’s why we don’t write our names in the snow, or miss the bowl ever, unlike some genders who know who they are.

the main problem comes in if at the time of taking the test, you only have a small wee on board, say a 100ml juice box, as opposed to a grande cappuccino late. which narrows your window to get a direct hit, so you’ve got to make sure you’re ready to move that stick around so you hit the target. and at the same time you have to be agile enough to keep your hand out of the firing line of the wee.

…or you could just wee in a cup and then dip the stick in there. hmmm, wish i hadn’t only just thought of that now.

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