ok so i’ve been promising to post ‘one-liner larry’ since last week, but on thursday i was too hungover to do anthing other than drool into my keyboard, and on friday i had an online dating crisis. so here we go – ‘one-liner larry’ at last.
unfortunately it’s gone and built itself up, when really it’s just an ordinary post. don’t you hate it when that happens?
so i’m visiting the dating website and i come across an interesting looking profile: seemingly normal guy. right age, looks good on paper. so i decide i’m going to be all modern about it and drop him a quick mail. nothing hectic, just a friendly and polite hello and a brief introduction.
doing all this takes a bit of thought. what i wrote wasn’t a particularly long or complicated mail, but you want to introduce yourself and come across as interesting and funny – and you know what they say about first impressions.
then i sent it.
this is what i got back:
(it says ‘I’m interested so far. Tell me more about yourself.’ – seriously next time bring your specs.)
this is one of my pet hates. just in case you’ve never tried online dating yourself, let me fill you in.
the dating website has something called ‘one liners’. which are a series of existing ‘one liners’ that you can choose from a dropdown menu if you don’t feel like writing your own mail. or if you want to politely blow someone off.
they say things like:
(i’ve transcribed a few below for the specsless.)
‘I’m very busy right now, but i’ll get back to you soon.’
‘I’m focusing on conversations that have already started.’
‘Thanks but i don’t think we’re right for each other.’
‘I can’t respond as i’m not subscribed yet.’
i’m cool to get politely blown off with a ‘thanks but i don’t think we’re right for each other’ one liner, hell i’ve practically worn that button out on my keyboard. But that ‘…tell me more about yourself’ one drives me crazy. fricken cheek! don’t you think? i go to all the effort of finding the guy, thinking of something nice and interesting to say, and i have the guts to send it off, and all i get back is a one liner. one that he didn’t even bother to write himself!
and the further cheek of it is that his royal highness is interested in me so far, but would like me to divulge more of myself to him so that he can decide whether or not i’m nice enough for him to put his royal finger to keyboard and actually speak to me himself. what, was my initial mail not informative enough for you? what is this, a fricken job interview? and where’s the reciprocation here, i’ll show you mine if you show me yours and all.
well screw you mr lazy rude pants! if you’re not interested that’s one thing, but if you are, that’s no way to impress a girl! not this one anyway.