oh shit my mother's going to kill me for this one.

she knows i love her, but this story has to be told.

so we’re gearing up for a monster family function in a couple weeks. now this isn’t like the kind of family functions you have. because i have: two parents, four sisters, one brother, one sister-in-law, three brothers-in-law, 12 nieces and nephews between the ages of 21 and 4, and if we had to start counting up the cousins, bobbas and zeda’s and aunties, uncles and rabbi’s you’d still be reading this well into next week.

too much screwing and not enough condoms if you ask me. (oops sorry rabbi, hope you don’t mind, i said ‘screwing’. could have been worse, i could have said fucking.)

anyway so everyone is hoofing it over from all over the planet for the big event.

only once every ten years or so sees a large majority of us in the same place at the same time and so we try to coordinate a family photograph at my mother and ‘grumpa’s’ house.

more whiskey please barman.

herewith the conversation i had with my mother the other night about the photograph:

ME: so are you all sorted for the photograph?

MOM: yes.

ME: you’re not getting the same photographer who did the last one are you? those came out all blurry.

MOM: no. remember ‘arb family friend’? She is going to come and take it.

silence

ME: ‘arb family friend’?

MOM: yes, ‘arb family friend’. you remember her?

silence

ME: you mean we’re not getting a professional photographer?

MOM: ‘arb family friend’ was a ramp model in the seventies, you know!

ME: um… ok, so we’re not getting a professional then.

the conversation deteriorated from there. in my mother’s mind somehow being a ramp model in the seventies correlates with being a professional photographer. i suppose i can see the logic.

and then today i came across this on the internetweb: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/ it is a most glorious website where people send in their family photographs. here are a few i copied and pasted.

dear future family,

i promise i will never do this to you.

love paige.

mom’s thinking: it’s just a phase, it’s just a phase. please let it just be a phase.

now that’s just creepy and unnecesary! the least you could do is put on a pair of pants!

hey dude, grow a pair. how can you let them do that to you?

they were going to pose with their boyfriends, they’re also all cocks.

over here, anybody?

this one’s actually quite clever. maybe my family can do this with a picture of me so i don’t have to go to ours. (just kidding mum, i’ll be there, and i’m really looking forward to it. promise. love you.)