Newly dating (uncut)

Morning pimps and hoes. Here you goes, yesterday’s Sunday Times Column. And even better, much like your date last Friday night, it’s the uncut version. 

DE-JA SINGLE – By Paige Nick

All fashions come around again, just look at crop tops and high-waisted pants. Wait long enough and eventually you’ll find yourself back in it. The same is true for being single.

In our twenties we were all single. As we hit our thirties everyone around me got married. And now a whole lot of unbundling is happening (or whatever Gwynnie calls it), and suddenly I’m no longer the only single in the village.

After years tied up in marriages, nappy changes and litigation, a bunch of my mates are suddenly wearing short skirts, hanging out on Tinder and telling me how awesome one-night stands are. Like it’s not what I’ve been saying for decades.

Coming back to dating after years on the shelf, the same basic principles apply. Men still have penises and women still have vaginas. Although now there are piercings, and advanced synthetic replications of both organs, which require neither champagne nor foreplay.

Dating never really changes. Men are eternally slippery and will do anything to get into your pants, while still attempting to remain unhooked for as long as possible. And women are still hard to understand, prone to regular mind changes and looking for someone who makes them feel good and hopefully has a nice holiday house too.

But while the core remains the same, techniques have changed. So for those of you newly traipsing the meat market again, here are ten things that happened while you weren’t looking:

1. Don’t expect a call. Everybody texts nowadays. And if a crush doesn’t return your text on the same day, they’re probably not so nuts about you. Unless they’re in the Drakensberg with no signal, making fire by rubbing two twigs together. Although even then, if sparks are really flying they’ll find a way.

2. Do not SMS a picture of your bits to someone you’re texting up (today’s equivalent of chatting up) I repeat, do not. It will seem tempting and sexy at the time, but don’t. Even if you have the perfect lighting for your nipple or willy selfie. Your mind is cloudy with hornephedrine (the main sex horn-mone), you’re not thinking straight. Many before you have lived to regret it, learn from their mistakes. The internet will be around way longer than this relationship.

3. If you’re asked out on a Saturday for that same Saturday, they’re either out on weekend parole, not that into you, or married.

4. On that note, just because someone is on a dating website, doesn’t mean they’re single. There are tons of married people stalking the web looking for something to numb their pain. If you smell a rat, chances are it’s a prick with big ears and a long tail. ‘Separated’ does not mean single.

5. If your date wears tracksuit bottoms, things can only go down from there (and I don’t mean the good going down, where you get a happy ending). If they start out in trackie-pants, what will they wear on the tenth date, adult diapers?

6. Going Dutch on a date isn’t unheard of these days. And I don’t mean getting stoned and paying for sex. Have a heart – particularly if you don’t foresee a second date. Chivalry is one thing, but the maintenance, child support and legal fees your date may be dealing with are another.

7. Maybe don’t let on just how little sex you had while you were married. Past performance is a reliable way to judge future performance. Something to bear in mind if your date slags off their ex harshly and relentlessly.

8. If your date introduces you to anyone you bump into as ‘a friend’ or ‘someone from work’, they’re not into you or already married. In addition they sound like a butthole and you should dump them immediately, via text, of course.

9. Speaking of buttholes, anal sex is a thing now. If he doesn’t at least try it, he’s probably not that into you. But just because it’s a thing doesn’t mean you have to do it. I’m only warning you so that when you feel that ‘accidental’ experimental nudge against your back door, you aren’t taken by surprise.

10. And finally your date will probably try tell you different, but holding out till the third date is still a thing. Unless you haven’t had sex in more     than a year, then all bets are off and you should totally first-date it. Especially if he’s wearing tracksuit pants, since you won’t be seeing him again anyway.