my friend ‘mr smarty pants’ doesn’t think my disastrous dating stories are true. he thinks i made them up. smarty pants, i promise, it’s all horrifyingly true. in fact that’s not even the first time i’ve recieved a penis by sms. this shit happens out there every day. the freaks and lunatics are rampant and horny. watch this space, smarty pants, i’ve got a true story about a man who doesn’t speak english, a garlic baguette and a candlestick.