mr oral sex.

you may or may not know this about me, but i recently found myself single again, or as i like to call it, ‘between relationships’. so in need of a good laugh i surfed back round to my favourite (read: ‘the only’) online dating website for a bit of a browse.

i like to surf around and check the guys out. there are the strange ones, the nice ones, the awful ones, the married ones, the loser ones and a whole lot of unforgivable ones (those littered with bad grammar, clichés and spelling mistakes).

for now let’s chat about the strange ones. i recently came across this guy. he’s 38, he’s never been married and has no kids, which is pretty rare around these parts when you’re over 30.

in his narrative he explains that he’s a gentleman who likes to watch cricket and that he’s quite religious and likes classical music. he comes across as sweet, professional and a little shy. his profile is well thought out with no errors and a conservative, but open vibe about it.

then he moves on to discuss the kind of woman he’s looking for. so far i’m liking this guy, i mean, he’s certainly not for me, he lost me at religious and shy, but i’m thinking that some nice girl next door type might be very lucky to stumble across this chap. i picture him tall and thin and kind of bookish looking. (he hasn’t put up a picture.)

he carries on to say that he’s looking for someone supportive and committed in a relationship. and i’m still nodding. but then it comes. the ‘what-the-fuck, did he actually say that?’ moment.

suddenly out of nowhere, between religious gentleman, and classical music he says, and i quote here for accuracy:

“you must enjoy giving oral sex – non negotiable!”

where the hell did that come from? i mean these profiles are a little like a first date, right? it’s your opportunity to get to know a guy a little bit better, size him up, decide if you’d like to know more. here we are on our first virtual date, one minute we’re chatting casually about music and religion, and the next minute he’s got his willy out, campaigning for a blow job.

come on, guy! all men love a blow job, no secret there, but can’t you wait till the third date, or even just dessert, before you blatantly demand one? no wonder he’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. chances are he’s never made it past the first date.