Oh how I love the letters i get in response to my Sunday Times column each week. They are my favourite favourites.
here are some of the gems I got from last Sunday’s column about when is the right time to have sex with someone for the first time. I must say the hate mail really streamed in over this one. I’m not condoning sex on a first date people, I’m just commenting on the fact that it exists. Anyhooo.
You should read the column first before you read the responses, so here’s a link to the column in case you haven’t seen it.
Please meet Mduduzi, he writes to me just about every week in response to my column and he is heee-fricken’-laaarious! I love him to bits.
The letter from Mduduzi:
DO WE HAVE TO HAVE THE THIRD DATE ?
This question has been thundering my head. As a man, I am less concerned about when should I have sex with my girlfriend. Men prefer to have sex as soon as possible. Most women prefer to delay sex, until they know the guy’s intentions. Let me relate you an experience. Some years ago I dated a lady who was 10 senior to me. We went to a movie, with some adventures of four play and deep French kisses. It was apparent that on our first date, sex was unavoidable. We went for a sex, and I remember vividly that it was the most enjoyable sex I had ever had. if I compare this experience with the delayed sex I had, I rate the first date sex, I had on top. To me as you say too, it matters not when to make love in a relationship, it could be on the first day or whichever day suitable to both of you. I say always follow your heart. Had it not been a huge age gap I had with that woman, I am certain she could have been Miss Sibeko.
And as I mentioned earlier, hate mail always comes through when I write about sex. Here’s a letter I recieved from Marlies Craig:
In a time and place where 30% of the population are infected with HIV, and where free sex (whether on the first date or the third) may well kill you, your article is not very helpful – nor socially responsible.
If free sex is indeed the norm, may I challenge you, dear “a-million-miles-from-normal”, to sing a different tune? It is not so very difficult to wait. The rewards are potentially enormous. And all it takes – at least in a free society – is a pre-made decision and a bit of self-control.
On the contrary, consider what your article accomplishes in a society where 50% of the population is not free to say “no”. Think of your sisters out there, sister, who’se “no” means as little to the other half, as their well-being and their very life. Please consider!
Apart from the social responsibility aspect, you were wondering if there were any people out there who wait with the sex, implying – what exactly? – that you would be mad if you did, or expected anyone else to?
Well, there are. My husband and I were both virgins when we started dating during the first democratic elections in 94. We were still virgins when we got married 18 months later – on the ex-Day of the Vow cum Day of Reconciliation (I like that bit, it’s very fitting…). We just celebrated our 15th anniversary. We are best friends and our sex life is better than ever.
Perhaps you didn’t really want to know all that. But if a long and fulfilled married life is one of your dreams, saying “no” before “I do” is still one of the better ways of weeding out those who dream differently.
Some people blame the public media for destroying age-old cultural values (of all shades of skin colour) regarding sex and marriage. If the media are really that powerful, then perhaps they can help point society back to a healthier and more life-affirming attitude towards sex.
I so wish people like yourself could share this vision.
Regards, Marlies Craig
Somehow I think Marlies and I are just two very different kinds of people. Wouldn’t do if we were all the same, right.
here’s more hate mail:
hi paige listen lady who ever painted the picture that men just want sex or the whole thing of dating is just about sex has caused such a blemish to the human race it`s almost unforgiveable.sex has actually sacred virtue in itself something that flows deep from within out of the secret chambers of each heart,any man or woman who can`t wait to share that wonderfull value in sacred matrimony is not worth it after all.the standard of the world today has made the whole thing common and cheap we are more worth than what the common mainstream is telling us.thank you
And i’ll end off with this lovely one from a Mr Johan Slabbert:
Hi Ms Nick
For the last few weeks I have been enjoying your amusing articles, and your latest one about 3rd date sex aroused memories about my long-forgotten dating techniques.
I come from an era [ the conservative 1960’s !! ] when dating a girl was an absolutely nerve-racking time for a spotty teenager / newly-turned 20-year-old. Before I married my gorgeous wife in 1968 [ 42 years married – and still going strong !! ] I had quite a few girlfriends. You talk about whether one should have sex on the 3rd date – in those days sex did not even come into the picture. Going to the bioscope [ no TV in those days ] on a Saturday night was the way to entertain your girl. If you really wanted to treat her you went to a cafe-restaurant [ no booze – chocolate milk shake only ] and bought her a mixed grill [ for R1.50 ] and then on to the “flicks” where the best seats cost 75 cents – and you were dressed in longs, tie and jacket and she was dressed in a dress or skirt and blouse. By the third outing it was accepted practice that you could hold her HAND in the flick – AFTER interval. Oh, the agonising and plucking up of courage to do this – will she squeeze my hand or not ? What if she pulls her hand away ? What if she slaps my face ? The absolute bliss, and relief, if she squeezed your hand back !! By the time I had achieved this the flick was nearly over – and I had no idea what the flick was about.
When you took her home you, of course, walked her to her front door [ behind which her dad was waiting ] and the next decision awaited you. Should you kiss her or not ? Kissing was only really allowed once you had passed the hand-holding stage – and then only a very quick one because the front porch light was on and you could hear her dad’s footsteps approaching and you had to be standing innocently apart when he opened the door.
After that hurdle had been passed one then got down to some serious strategic and tactical planning. The next step, after at least a further 3 or 4 dates, was – HOW THE HELL DO I GET HER BRA OFF ? For us boys this step, once it had been reached, was an absolute nightmare because none of us knew how to undo a bra, which was usually attempted in the dark in the back of your father’s car or at the drive-in. After getting tired of my inept fumbling my girl usually had to assist my trembling fingers.
Sex? If it did happen it was after a long relationship and it was never casual and thus meaningless, as it seems to be today.
So which is best ? The apprehensive, lengthy and cautious approach of yore or the more casual, easy-going and first-date approach of today ? I have two daughters and by the time they were dating the conservative days of my youth were long past, but the present-day practices were not yet as fully accepted as they are now – and I never asked ! Thank goodness they have both been married for
many years, so I only had to agonise for a mere 10 years [ from age 15 – 25 ]
Keep up the good work – and have a happy New Year !! Kind regards Johan Slabbert