I sure know how to pick 'em.

An open letter to my future guy:
Dear next boyfriend/lover/guy person who comes along,

I have a handful of simple requests which I thought I’d put down in writing.

I’d like to hope that you don’t use too many exclamation marks. When in just about every situation just the one will suffice.

I would also like it if you weren’t scared of spiders or snakes. That’s my job.
And I don’t want to sound too demanding or anything, but I would really appreciate it if you didn’t find it hysterically funny to fart in bed and then trap me under the duvet with it.
That would be awesome, thank you.
And I’d quite like it if you didn’t buy me an apron for my birthday.

Or a porcelain figurine of two dolphins frolicking in a small porcelain ocean.

(Wait, let’s extend that to include any figurines. Figurines are out.)

Also, please note that I will not be able to loan you any money at any point in our relationship. No matter how great your debt/idea/scheme/business plan/drug habit is. You should know this now to avoid disappointment at a later stage.

And I know I might be getting a tad demanding over here, but it would also be great if you had a job. And while I can’t argue that it does bring home the bacon, being a drug dealer doesn’t really count as a job.

Thank you.
This is going to be great, I can’t wait.

All my love in advance,


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12 responses to “I sure know how to pick 'em.”

  1. Paige…. I must, and will post a picture of the most HORRIBLE porcelain figurine my boyfriend decided he had to buy…. I feel you on this girl.

  2. i’m pretty sure the “farting and trapping under the duvet” trick was a contributing factor in my parents’ divorce. I’m just saying….

  3. God, you’re easy to please! (note my self-restraint)
    I’m sure my list would be 5 times as long. How about picking toes in bed, burping your name? Do you call that farting trick a “Dutch oven”? No idea why it’s called that.

  4. @Deems – will believe it when i see it.

    @Wozz – was it horrifying for you too. I mean you want to be grateful when you get a gift, but that was just so scary. please post your pic.

    @Maryx – you would think, right!

    @peatree – a divorcable act i think. I’m also just sayin’

    @Bob – You had me at ‘Good luck’ you lost me at ‘fart’.

    @Jules – thanks. if only more girls were guys.

    @Gail – that’s exclamation mark thing holds for everyone but you.

    @Matt – i’m totally adding picking toes in bed and burping to my list. Also you reminded me of another request – not only do i not want to be with ‘dutch oven guy’ but also – no guys who make us ‘Go Dutch’.

  5. My ex used to do drive-by farts, even going as far as sitting on my lap briefly just to let one rip. That, among other things, is why he’s my ex. I should have taken the drive-by as a warning before I married the bastard.

  6. Paige – – – I’ve posted the pic… go. I dare you. I DOUBLE DARE YOU!!! and then send me loads of free cyber hugs for the trauma i must endure.

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