How I ask you, how?

So you think, okay, maybe he was hot when he was younger and that explains it.

Yeah, I suppose I can sort of see it. A little bit. Maybe. It was the 70s.

Imagine he’s just an average Joe Schmo off the street. Now try to imagine the circumstances under which these two girls might sleep with him:

I would guess there would be only three such circumstances:

1. If he was filthy stinking fucking rich. and I mean filthy!

2. If he was a reach for a dream guy, and this was his dying wish you might find it somewhere (deep inside you) to grant a dying man his final wish.

3. If just out of that picture on either side of those girls were two men, each holding a gun to their heads.

Well, good on him I guess. Here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times Column. And it’s all about the man himself. Hope you enjoy, and have a great week.

x

A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick

THE UNLIKELY PORN STAR

Short, fat, with full-body hair, a moustache and a mullet – sounds more like everybody’s old uncle Merv, than the world’s most famous porn star.

But in a wild twist of fate that proves just how crazy this world is, we have Ron Jeremy. For those of you who have never heard of him, he is not only number one on every list ever published of the world’s top porn stars, but he’s also listed in The Guinness Book of World Records for ‘the most appearances in Adult Films’.

Film website IAFD (Internet Adult Film Database), which is the porno version of IMDB, has him down as having performed in over 2 000 dick flicks. To give you some idea of how many that is, his closest rival has only starred in around 384. In comparison to Ron the Don, number two is practically a virgin.

Over the years Ron Jeremy has shagged himself silly on and off camera. He has sex with more partners in a working week than most of us have in a lifetime. So much so that he’s become a household name. Even people who don’t regularly stay in on a Friday night with popcorn and a box of tissues to watch movies like Ally McFeal, The Flintbones, Terms of Endowment or Swinging in the Rain, know who he is.

All of which wouldn’t be so hard to believe if it wasn’t for the way he looks. He’s a cross between a hobbit and a homeless person. He’s even been nicknamed ‘The Hedgehog’, because of his excessive body hair. How a man who looks like this has managed to rule the porn kingdom for the last thirty years is beyond me, and it raises some interesting questions.

Imagine if the tables were turned, and the world’s most famous female porn star was short, fat and a little hairy (me in other words). I just can’t see it happening.

They say it’s his sheer skill and talent, combined with the fact that he’s such a nice guy that has helped him become so successful. People who work with him all comment on his down-to-earth nature and great sense of humour.

If they say so, but let’s be honest here, you could be the most talented sexual performer in the history of the universe, with such great prowess that you could make another person ejaculate from across the room, and on top of that you could have a personality and sense of humour from here to Egypt, but if you looked like a female Ron Jeremy, I don’t think you’d make it past the first casting couch and into the lights, camera, boom chica wa wa action.

There is no way that people today would be willing to pay to watch a lady-minger having sex in over 2000 movies.

But of course it is a little like comparing pears and bananas. It is impossible for a man to fake a happy ending, while women can do it in their sleep (and many do). So there’s definitely legitimacy in the claim that he’s so successful because he can perform on demand without the use of Viagra. So his legendary status might well be due to his skill as a woodsman. Or maybe we can attribute his success to his astonishing length. At just short of ten inches (25cm) he can kiss his own penis. You don’t see that every day. (Thank goodness.)

He also came (and came and came) of age in a time when pornos were different. So that may also have something to do with his meteoric rise. (Sorry, when you’re covering a subject like this the puns write themselves.) In the seventies when Jeremy started out, adult movies were more fully formed. They had scripts, story arcs, multiple locations and character development, so someone like Ron, with actual acting ability on top of sexual skills was obviously more sought after. So maybe he was just the right penis in the right place at the right time? Whatever the reasons, this is a man who has beaten the odds. If his life were a movie, it would be one of those ridiculous unbelievable stoner comedies starring Seth Rogan or Jack Black.

What’s even more surreal is that to this day people are still gagging for him, even though he’s pushing sixty. Fans fall at his feet, women queue up to have him sign their most private parts, and people still buy his movies and dildo replicas of his penis in their hundreds of thousands. He’s even managed to cross over and star in a handful of mainstream non-porno flicks.

Personally I think he’s so popular because he gives people hope. Less attractive, less confident, and more hairy men everywhere must take one look at him and think, well if a schlub like him can get lucky, maybe I can too. If nothing else, he’s living proof that anyone can get laid.