Top of the morning to you. Here’s yesterday’s column from the Sunday Times, and it will be my last.
I kid, I kid, that was my lame attempt at a post April Fools joke. I’m not going anywhere, they’re going to have to drag me kicking and screaming out of there. Here’s to a great week. x
MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick.
I PITY THE FOOL.
Since today is April Fool’s Day, all day. I thought it would be fun to dedicate this column to all the fools out there. So, in the great words of Apple, here’s to the crazy ones.
The first fools that come to mind are the annual winners of The Darwin Award. An international accolade designed to commemorate those stunningly foolish individuals who manage to eliminate themselves from our gene pool in the most extraordinarily idiotic manner possible.
Like the 2001 winner from Croatia, who attempted to juggle with live hand grenades. Brilliant plan! Surely it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that isn’t going to end well. Or the 2003 winner, who used his lighter to illuminate a fuel tank, so he could establish whether it had anything in it or not. Sadly for him, it did.
These poor fools don’t even live to collect their award.
Other fools worth mentioning here are the evil ones. The dictators, the despots, and the tyrants. We were relieved of one of them last year, but sadly they’re a bit like a red wine stain on a white table cloth, or syphilis, they’re nearly impossible to get rid of.
Take Saparmurat Niyazov, for example. Or rather, President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov, as he fondly liked to call himself. Until his sudden death in 2006, he was the leader, dictator, and general big bully of a country called Turkmenistan, which is bordered by Afghanistan, Iran, Uzbekistan and Kazakhstan. Shame, these guys really drew the short straw.
This guy was a true fool, and a big fan of crazy. During his 15+ year rule, he managed to ban a ridiculous amount of stupid things. First he banned his five million citizens from using lip syncing at public concerts, or musical performances, including weddings. Citing that he worried it would have a negative effect on the development of musical arts if anyone in his land used pre-recorded music.
He also banished all dogs from the capital, because he didn’t like how they smell. Hey, nobody likes the smell of wet dog, but that doesn’t mean we banish them from the world, we simply kick them off the couch or the bed, and quietly mock them till they dry off a little.
Sir Crazy then ordered the building of a huge indoor ice skating rink near the capital, decreeing that everyone in his country should learn how to ice skate. An opportunity his advisors probably could have used to remind His Douche-yness that Turkmenistan is surrounded by desert.
His Idiocy also outlawed all opera, ballet and the circus, for being far too ‘unTurkmen-like’. And in a bizarre act of maniacal dictatorship, he renamed all the months of year after members of his family. Giving January to his mother. I’m imagining a Momuary, Freduary, Marc, Avril, Aunt May, Sister Juniper, and Uncle Julius… South African politicians, let’s not get any crazy ideas, okay?
Not quite done being a fool yet, he built a revolving gold statue of himself in the centre of the capital, banned news reporters from wearing make-up on TV, because he believed Turkmen women to be beautiful enough without it. Decreed that men weren’t allowed to have long hair or beards, and outlawed gold teeth, because, well, because he was a flipping lunatic, drunk on his own power, that’s why.
Surprisingly he died suddenly in 2006 of a heart attack. I would have expected a planned slow poisoning, a coup or a mass mobbing with Chinese bangles, and not anything half as painless or self-inflicted as a heart attack.
Sadly the foolishness didn’t end with his death, as he was replaced by a 54-year-old dentist, named Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov (I had to check the spelling four times). Whose ridiculous dictatorial rule is only exceeded by his ridiculous name.
So, it feels fitting that on a day like today, we talk about such great fools and shake our heads in disgust. A knee to the groin for all of them.
I could think of more politicians here deserving that fate than I can count on my few fingers and toes.
Quick Q: What exactly are Chinese Bangles?? Google failed to shed any light…
Very clever. I cant believe there guys get away with it for so long
RK, I love your question, have written an entire column in response will be published not this Sunday, next Sunday, hope you dont mind waiting that long?
Lol… That’s so sweet of you. Me has tears in my eyes. Marking crosses on my calendar.