fail.

hey guys/men/boys, how are you? good? good.
ok, now, i know i’m treading on thin ice here, because you and your species didn’t ask for advice from me. so let’s not call it advice. rather let’s just call this a hint or a suggestion, a little tip. and the only reason i’m doing this is because it might just help us all get along a little better going forward. here goes:

no matter what the circumstances, even if a girl is the size of a whale, or in fact has an actual giant whale sticking out of her ass, do not, i repeat, do not tell her she’s fat. even if she asks you if you think she’s fat, and she knows she’s fat, and you know she’s fat, still, do not tell her you think she’s fat.

even if her cheeks are so fat you can’t see her lips moving when she talks. even if she’s so fat she eats sumo wrestlers for lunch. or if her actual name is fatty mc fat fat, still, please, for the love of christ, don’t tell her you think she’s fat.

i will even provide some useful suggestions of other things you could say, like you could say:

“no of course not, you look beautiful.”

or

“what! what are you talking about? don’t be ridiculous.”

if in the heat of the moment you panic and you can’t remember these answers, simply talk about the weather. everyone likes talking about the weather, even if it’s oddly out of context.

i promise you she already knows she’s fat, telling her won’t make her instantly run out and lose 40 kilos, you’re not helping her. if you want to help, find something about her that you do like and comment on it, even if it’s just her fat earlobes or the colour of her tent-like mu-mu dress.

if i can equate it to something you might relate to, it would be like a girl telling her guy to his face that he’s got a small dick. she just wouldn’t do it. even if it were true. even if his penis was teensy tiny and having sex with him was like dipping one of those skinny macdonalds french fries into one of those huge bulk jars of mayonnaise, she still wouldn’t tell him. ever. until he dumps her or cheats on her, then she’ll tell all her friends, and her friends friends, and everyone on facebook and twitter and anyone else who will listen, but she probably still wouldn’t tell him, it’s not done.

here’s an addendum to the suggestion that i hope you will find equally usefull. if she is now, or was recently pregnant she may look fat and feel fat, but she’s not, ok. got it?

a good friend recently had a baby. a couple of weeks ago she was getting dressed and put on a pair of her pre-baby thin jeans and they fit for the first time. elated that she managed to squeeze into them, she showed her husband, mr good friend:

mrs good friend: look babe, i fit into my thin jeans.
mr good friend: why? did they stretch?

mr good friend – fail. that is not the correct response.

this guy i used to date and still really liked till today, told me today that i need to lose weight. i hadn’t even asked him, he just took it upon himself to tell me out of the blue. thanks for the fucking newsflash dude, i hadn’t noticed. by the way, you’re a prick and i hate your guts and i want to kick you in the nuts and then punch you in the face.

even the word phat doesn’t work for us, we know it’s supposed to be a funky, trendy, hip compliment, but it’s not, we still hate it. promise. if you want sex or home-made biscuits anytime soon, please don’t use it.



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