Don’t touch me on my studio


These days you’ll find me on the first Sunday of every month in the Sunday Times Lifestyle. Here’s yesterday’s rude, lewd contribution. 

Hope you enjoy. 



I was recently interviewed on Cliff Central about the ins and outs of writing sex. During our chat, the host, Jonti Searll mentioned that he’d held a yoni massage workshop the night before.

Cover your eyes here if you’re under eighteen; the word ‘yoni’ means sacred space in Sanskrit and refers to the vagina. To paint a more graphic picture, at these workshops, Jonti gives a lecture on how to massage the vagina, then he gives a practical demonstration on a model, and then they dim the lights, play some music (please God don’t let it be Enya) and the couples all give it a go, under towels, blankets or sarongs if they’re shy.

Yes people, while you’re at home on a Thursday night watching Game of Thrones and eating a Kit Kat, this is what’s going on out there.

Please don’t misunderstand; I’m not dissing what Jonti does. On the contrary, I’ve got a lot of respect for him. It must take stamina, patience and a strong stomach. And if you’ve ever been with anyone who doesn’t know their way around down under, you’ll agree he’s doing a service to humanity. There’s also clearly a demand for it, Jonti can get up to fifteen couples at a workshop.

So it’s less what he’s doing that floored me, and more his methods. I just can’t picture myself with a partner getting me off in a room full of people also getting each other off. It’s the same reason I could never go see that awful Fifty Shades in the cinema. When the lights come up and you all have to file out, how do you face each other?

It’s shocking, I know, a squeamish erotica writer. If I were a proper sex journalist I’d be signing myself up for the next class, hauling my ass over there and taking notes, but but but… just no. I’d rather report from the front lines of a war zone.

I did wonder if there were any circumstances under which I would be willing to take a yoni massage workshop? What’s creepier, a group setting or one on one? Both for me, to be honest.

Surely the other problem is suggesting it to your partner without offending them.

Hey babe, there’s this guy who will teach you how to pleasure me better.

Why, what’s wrong with the way I pleasure you now?

I can’t see it going well.

Jonti also sells a DVD, so you could just leave that lying around one night when you go to book club. To guarantee your partner watches it, print out the cover for the new Mad Max movie and stick that on the front.

Then on the other hand there’s Dr John Hagee, a Pastor from Texas who’s been in the news because he believes women who call out the lord’s name during sex should be arrested and prosecuted for blasphemy. Christ on a bike, really?

Pastor Lunatic claims there’s no greater crime than wrongly using God’s name during sexy times. I could think of a few, he should move to South Africa.

So on second thoughts, who would you rather be in a room learning from, the open-minded masturbation instructor, or the small-minded religious zealot? Give me the masturbation instructor any day, oh yes, oh yes, oh god yes!


2015-07-05 12.10.25




Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *