doctor bob and shit my dad says.

once upon a time I lived in america, and then i had another dad. his name is ‘doctor bob’. And he rides hogs and drinks bourbon and is a bad ass and rocks and says things that make me laugh out loud they’re so funny. everything a girl could want in a faux dad.

now, in what at first seems like a completely different tangent, my awesome friend ‘gym buddy’
(you can read about her over here: )
sent me an email today. i don’t know where she found it and more importantly i don’t know how she found the time to find it (she’s very busy) but I do know that it reminded me a whole lot of ‘doctor bob’ who is without a doubt one of the very finest men this world has ever or will ever know.

see, it all came together, two entirely different subjects, just like that.

from what i can gather they are a series of tweets from twitter called ‘shitmydadsays’, they are posted by a twentysomething guy who lives with his grumpy, crotchety seventysomething year old dad. here are a few, but you can find more here:

“You know, sometimes it’s nice having you around. But now ain’t one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we’re not watching this bullshit.”

“Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.”

“You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it….I don’t give a shit about your evidence, this isn’t a court of law.”

“I just did an hour on the gym machine. I’m sweaty and I have to shit. Where’s my fannypack, this workout is over.”

(watching the Little League World Series) “These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league…. You were fat.”

“How the fuck should I know if it’s still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn’t good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes.”

“You need to flush the toilet more than once…No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet.”

“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”

“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

“My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday…You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I’m a mad man if you don’t pick me the hell up.”

“It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”

(left on answering machine) “Hello? Hello? It’s Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it.”

“Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think.”

If your brother comes by, tell him I’m on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me?

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I’ll answer.”

“I didn’t live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don’t fix me your breakfast and pretend you’re fixing mine.”

funny hey? aparently there’s a book coming. i see he’s got over 200 000 followers on twitter.

here’s to you doctor bob, you legend. wanna see my foot?

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