Dating site disasters – Sunday's column

When like me, you reach a certain age, which will remain unmentionable, but is somewhere between 33 and 38 – you reach a point where you’ve pretty much already met and pretty much already shagged all the eligible people in your immediate social circle, and in your social circle’s (immediate) social circle.

At that point it becomes necessary to look elsewhere. On the internet, for example. Which is how I suddenly find myself having spent a fair amount of time dating online. So it is with this depth of knowledge and hands-on experience that I can tell you about five guys I’ve come across online that I will not be dating next week.

For those of you who’ve never been lucky enough to get to hang out on a dating website, here’s the low down. Every member has a profile – which includes a relevant nickname and vital statistics (age/weight/height etc.) paired with a brief narrative. All designed to give any interested parties a basic idea of what that person is like.

So based on the kind of information one can glean from these short but useful profiles, here’s my un-selection:

Why I will not be dating a man named ‘CARVE_9’ any time soon:
How can I put this delicately, I certainly don’t want to upset him. But I will not be dating him because his name is Carve! And on our first date I would much rather not have my extremities sliced off with a large carving knife and then placed in zip lock bags in his freezer. Making him Carve_10.

Why I will not be dating ‘GUY’S WHO CA’NT SPEL’:
Call me picky, but if you’ve managed to reach thirty seven and you still think that this is how you spell the words ‘horni’ and ‘frend’, and you consider the basic laws of punctuation merely a broad suggestion, then I’m not sure we’re going to be right for each other.

Why I will not be dating ‘GUYS WHO COMPARE WOMEN TO CARS’:
‘1972 model, in excellent running condition, with only one previous owner, looking to upgrade. You don’t have to be a sports model. I’m happy with a Chevy, Toyota or Ford. As long as you have a good service history and nice soft seats.’

What kind of girl does the motor head approach work for? The way I see it he’d have better luck attracting another man like this. Women, not a species world renowned for being turned on by car terminology.

Why I will not be dating ‘CAT LOVER GUY’:
Any man with more than four cats has a little explaining to do. Being an animal lover is one thing, but if women who have too many cats are considered a little psycho, then surely their male counterparts should be looked at with a wary eye too.

And finally, why I will not be dating ‘THREE-TOED-FRANK’:
Dear Frank, I’m not condoning anything other than utmost honesty from the get go. But some information may just be best revealed only after a fourth or fifth date, or potentially even only after marriage.

You know what they say, all the good ones are either already taken, or are in an insane asylum, drawing with crayons and talking to the pigeons.