HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Here’s the first column for the year. One down, 51 to go. 🙂 I hope your year is fabulously fun, ridiculously rich, and astonishingly crazy. xxxx
A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick
CRAZY SOLUTIONS TO NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
They say the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Sounds like New Year’s resolutions to me. Every year we dust off the same old moth-eaten resolutions, take them for a spin and see how long they’ll last.
So I thought this year, perhaps if we approached these resolutions from a slightly different angle we might do a better job at putting a dent in them. Which is why I’ve taken a few of the most popular New Year’s Resolutions and come up with some unique ways of approaching them. Welcome to the first ever, A Million Miles from Normal Solutions to New Year’s Resolutions. I figure it rhymes, so it must be a thing.
The desire to settle down and get married is one of the more popular New Year’s resolutions I came across. So how about this for a solution, did you know that you can buy a virgin wife from Vietnam for as little as $6,000? And that’s not all, they promise to deliver her directly to your doorstep within 90 days. Bonus. I wonder if they’re virgin-virgins, or just haven’t-had-sex-since-last-Tuesday virgins?
This offer even comes with a warrantee. They say that if your new virgin wife runs away within a year, you get a replacement one free. They’re like the Morkels of the virgin-bride business. Go this route and you’ll be able to stick to your resolution way past February, guaranteed.
I searched the site for the section with the virgin husbands, but it turns out that nobody on the planet wants one of those.
Another common New Year’s resolution has to do with money and the question of where to get more of it. Well if you’re a virgin check out the Vietnamese website mentioned above. And if you’re not quite a virgin just do your Kegels. There, problem solved. Tick. What’s next on the list? Diet and exercise, I suppose.
Last year carbs were out and proteins were in. Who knows what mad regime Prof Noakes will have us on this year? Shongololos and tofu for all we know. Just as long as nobody brings back the cabbage-soup diet we should be okay.
The exercise part on the other hand is a no-brainer. Did you know that the longest ever recorded erection lasted for seven weeks?
I tell you this not only because the thought of it might be enough to put you off your breakfast, (that’s a kilo down already, my pleasure) but also because it’s common knowledge that having sex is a great way to burn calories. And if you can burn between 100 and 200 calories in an hour of rompy pompy, just imagine what you can lose over seven weeks? That’s 1176 hours.
If you decide to go this route, a few words of caution, first, don’t forget to hydrate. Secondly, Vaseline is your friend, and third, beware of the kitchen.
Look, if you’re going to be shagging for seven weeks straight chances are you’ll definitely find yourself there. Not only will you need nourishment, but you may also need to get busy in different areas of the house, simply for a change of scenery. But once you’re in there you need to be careful what you go for. A litre of whipped cream sprayed over naughty bits and then lapped up will only negate all the calorie-busting you’re aiming for. So if you must go the whole Nine and a Half Weeks route (which by the way would be breaking the world record mentioned above by two and a half weeks) may I suggest cucumbers? Or there are always leeks for the slightly less adventurous.
And finally, another popular New Year’s resolution is to quit smoking. The most Million Miles from Normal Solution that I could find to cracking this one comes courtesy of a British woman who decided to bury all her cigarettes four feet under the ground in her garden, so that every time she wanted a fag she had to pull out the shovel and get digging. In the end her addiction to laziness beat her addiction to smoking, and she was entirely nicotine free within weeks.
So there you have it, a step-by-step guide to keeping your New Year’s resolutions for the first time ever. Although you probably shouldn’t take advice from me on this subject, my resolution was to stop writing about sex and look how long I managed to keep that up.