Barking mad

Morning folks, yes it’s Monday again. Hope your week is a good one. Here’s yesterday’s column, which is dedicated to every single cat ever posted on the Internet.




We’re about to head into the fourth week of January. Easily the most broke week of the year for most of us. Thanks a lot, December!

So last week, from the middle of this century’s version of The Great Depression, I managed to scrounge up just enough spare change from between my couch cushions to buy a newspaper (I also found an unrecognisable pill that I’m saving for next Saturday night). It was in this paper that I read about a cat in Italy named Tommasino, who just became one of the richest pets in the world.

Tommasino inherited close to ten million pounds when his owner died at the end of 2011 and left him the entire family fortune. (The grandchildren can’t be happy!) And we’re not even talking about one of those pedigreed cats, with the fancy names, like Lady Marmalade Friesian Duchess Persian Shenanigan III, with a blood-line as long as your arm, and a better family tree than Princess Margaret. This was just some scabby stray that the 94 year-old lady had taken in off the street.

Cats are geniuses. It’s a well known fact. And they’re not just good at financial planning, theyhave fantastic senses of humour, and they’ve also got that whole aloof thing going on that drives most of us humans crazy with desire. In fact I’m willing to go out on a limb here and say that it was the cat who first invented playing hard to get. It’s no surprise they were considered sacred and were worshipped as far back as ancient Egypt.

Crafty little creatures, it’s only taken them a couple of centuries to achieve near complete world domination. (Not including India where the cow beat them to it, and China where they go down well with a little hot sauce.) Have you checked out the internet lately? Cat pictures and videos almost outnumber pornographic ones. Almost. There’s already a You Tube and a Porn Tube, watch this space, next up I predict a Cat Tube.

I once dated a guy who was so besotted with his furries that we were never allowed to disturb a sleeping cat in his household. We had to climb into bed around them, it was like playing a round of Twister before lights out.

But back to Tomassino, one has to wonder what on earth an animal is going to do with ten million pounds? A cat could live out all nine lives in luxuryand still never manage to spend that much cash. Surely once you’ve bought nine lifetime’s supply of fish heads and cat nip, a couple hundred litres of the finest cream, and a double storied cat scratching post, with built in squeaky mouse toys, and a few balls of wool, then what to do with the remaining 9 999 999 million pounds? There’s only so much one can spend on gold-plated kitty litter.

Perhaps with his new found wealth our fat cat should hook up with the number one richest pet in the world, a dog named Gunter IV, a German shepherd who inherited over 90 million pounds. And Blackie, a cat who inherited nine million pounds back in 1988. (In my opinion the cops should consider looking into the circumstances of these pet owner’s deaths, I’d say upwards of nine million pounds would be motive enough, even for a creature with no opposable thumbs).

These three loaded pets could hang out at the park, where Blackie and Tommasino would smoke cigars while they throw a golden stick for Gunter IV. Then maybe they’ll all pop out for a bowl of caviar together. And then later meet up with the queen’s Corgis for a couple rounds of Poker. (What, haven’t you ever seen that famous painting, Dogs Playing Poker? It’s their favourite game. After fetch, licking their bollocks and chasing their own tails, of course.)

You’ve got to love the fact that whilst most of us are just barely hanging in there,eating gruel and skimping on whisky till pay day, somewhere out there are a couple of cats and dogs who are literally worth their weight in gold. It’s all a bit barking mad if you ask me.

3 responses to “Barking mad”

  1. Apologies for the weird spacing glitchy thing… that’s monday for you. And thanks to Bad Lee for pointing it out.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *