So to continue on from yesterday, where I shared a couple of emails I received in response to my column on pick up lines, here’s one that got a little crazy.
They come from a chap named Hans who first sent me this mail:
How about a few affirmative action lines from liberated Sa women? It’s is eqaulity now. Are you still longing for the ‘oppressed post colonial apartheid’ type clichès? Most single men found out that ‘pick-up lines’ waste money and have chosen the ‘arm struggle hero’ path, which is cheaper, doesn’t become bi-polar and never have a prolapse.
I’d barely had time to digest Hans’ first missive when this second email came through:
How long is your previously disadvantage ‘penis’ now in eqaulity after affirmative action? I am not really interested in any Sa bi-polar woman, suffering of verbal diahroe in 2012. Why do you think Zuma has so many ‘wives’ in 2012? He was doing ‘arm struggle’ as a ‘hero’ in the bush. There is just nothing interesting in ‘naidoo and currie, anna and koeksisters, fikile and beer or shelagh and cucumber sandwiches high tea’ with buttocks like a hairless heifer and no calves. The ideal woman for an Sa man is a scary hairy slender brunet, that smokes Texan plain, drinks Ströh rum, sings like Joan Baez and rides her own Harley Davidson 1800. Colonial etiquette and political eqaulity just don’t fit together.
My goodness. If you’re a slender, hairy brunette, who smokes Texan Plains and drinks Stroh rum, run, run for your life.
After sending that I think Hans went and had a spoek and diesel or two and realised there was more he wanted to say, and so I received this next:
Why waste time on a fat Sa woman, thin like a twig before catching a ‘credit card’/husband and then becoming the trunk of the family tree? Maybe Sa men have develope an international/global taste in women? For example, Hungarian women have muscle legs, but believe they must serve their husbands? What about French flaire? I for one believe that ‘if the tracks look like that, imagine the platform’. Indian, coloured and african women with huge Sarah Baartman buttocks and tighs with spear like calves, must be a sight for sore eyes on a bicycle? There is nothing sexy about that huge ‘clevage’ of a 42d chest size. Everything that doesn’t fit in the mouth, is a total waste. So, after 13yrs as a happily divorced man, I don’t see any reason of having a sqautter around my space, wasting my little money on rubbish trying to convince me that ‘we needed’ it. I don’t need a snoring, farting beast in my bed, for a big maybe. I can waste my own money for a everytime certain ‘arm struggle’ and feel like a hero each time. This ultruistic idealistic political eqaulity culled the ‘pick-up line’ in Sa, as simply not worth it. Maybe ‘sniffing’ rhino horn at parties, might rectify that? I just don’t care what any woman think or say about me anymore, I live my own life on my own island now and allow no mental sqautting and sqautters in my space anymore.
And then finally he sent this one:
Maybe its because of Hiv and a man doesn’t know that he might be picking up death in some overly tight jeans? With road signs like ‘car theft, hi-jacking risk and potholes’ common place in Sa and Hiv from 1983 common Knowledge, why risk life?
I must say, he lost me on: ‘How about a few affirmative action lines from liberated Sa women?’
Thanks for writing Hans, I would respond, but honestly, I really wouldn’t know where to begin.
I must say, he lost me on: ‘How about a few affirmative action lines from liberated Sa women?’
Thanks for writing Hans, I would respond, but honestly, I really wouldn’t know where to begin.
If i got mails like that i’d move :/
You really are a mail pioneer dear, now we can add freakmail to the list.
peace nice lady
I’ve opted out of signing in with my full name for fear of reprisals. Shoo, Hans has issues but I think he’s actually trying to get a date with you. Did he send accompanying photo? Mind you, if you google neanderthal you’ll probably find something close enough. Shoo. I peed my pants.
Well, isn’t Hans a unique little snowflake … or a nut job, one of the two.
Hey Kellie, delightfully ludicrous indeed. That’s possibly the best way of putting it.
David, someone should alter the hotmail logo to ‘freakmail’ would be funny.
Rachel, I’m not sure i’m his type, seeing as I’m neither skinny, hairy, nor stroh rum drinking. (I tried it once, never again!)
:-O !
My head hurts.