You've got mail/male

I get letters in response to my weekly Sunday Times Column, some weeks they say nice things, other weeks, not so much. It doesn’t matter, I love them all just as much. Even the real meany-pants ones. In fact, secretly between you and me, those are my favourites.

Like when I wrote that column about meggings two weeks ago and mentioned Afrikaans teachers, there was much mail about that. Not a word from men and ballerinas who I also mentioned, but the Afrikaans teachers were offended, and perhaps rightly so. Ek’s jammer Mevrou.

This week I got a letter from a man named Sarel Gous about Sunday’s column on there being no more fish in the sea, and I kind of dug it, so I thought I’d share it with you. It’s one South African man’s take on marriage.

So here you go, Mister Gous’ editorial debut (verbatim):

Hi Paige
I am referring to last Sunday’s article.
I wish to make some comments (Bloody cheek)
I wish I could write like you. I can’t because I am an engineer. Furthermore I am Afrikaans. Nogal!
It always amazes me how people are hell-bent on marriage.
Marriage is in my opinion a lifelong death sentence. You search for a soul mate which normally complies with about 80% of your specification. The other 20% traits that do not comply with your specification make you unhappy but you are sure you can change this once married. The amazing thing is that your soul mate does exactly the same. Then you fall in love. Now you have two unhappy people very much in love. This does not make sense. It is further evident that as unmarried people get older the urgency to get married grows. Quite clearly your standards are suddenly lower

You may find that you will eventually have 3 buddies (or soul mates) of the opposite sex simultaneously:
• A talk buddy. This is a rare find but definitely possible. This is a special kind of buddy. You can argue for hours but never get cross with each other. The one can tell the other one that his/her hair looks shit without retaliation. You can talk and drink until the early hours of the morning and then sleep in the same bed. BUT here is the catch: there is no sex. Sounds crazy does it not.
• A bonk buddy. This buddy is purely for lust purposes. A sort of hit and run type of relationship. You now have two people together that think that sex is fun and not a ritual or a chore. Sex is on demand like tap water. No emotions involved..
• A marry buddy. This is naturally your “soul mate” that you got married to. After 3 years communication has broken down. In bed you know exactly which hand is going where. You know the next step from hart. You may as well lie on your back and have an orgasm by yourself.

Now you have two choices. The first one is to make sure the three do not find out about the other. Secondly you have what I wish to call the 3-in-one oil option. You find all three buddies in one person. This is naturally a pipe dream!

Marriage is like starting your own business. The first three years is the most difficult. Thereafter it is only hell!

No. I did not fly over the Cuckoo’s nest.

Sarel Gous

I’m not married so it’s hard for me to comment. Any takers?

4 responses to “You've got mail/male”

  1. Paige says:

    Just one question for you Mr Gous, are you married?

  2. david says:

    Married 14 years.

    Sarel is clearly happily married like the rest of us. No, i can’t disagree with what he says. I just sort of wish people had better information / expectations about marriage, it’s like driving a ship when you’ve only ever surfed before.
    Not only bad … just mostly i guess, once the kids come along it’s even harder to maintain some semblance of normality.
    peace and love and happy marriages

    • Sarel says:

      No comments from any lady? It is very interesting. Could it be denial?
      Let’s put the record straight. I was married for 22 years. Then I was alone for 14 and got hooked in Vienna 11 years ago. This is not necessarily about my particular marriage. It is my observation of many marriages over many years. I am an old man (not really dirty!) with a dark sense of humour
      I feel particularly sorry for people in their late thirties and early forties. It really makes me sad. Women in this age group always complain about hail damage, the effects of gravity and a sense of not being wanted anymore. Men feel neglected.
      It all boils down to communication. Talk, talk and talk! Everything falls by the wayside if there is no communication. I fully understand the children problem. How is it that books tell you to plan for sex and not for talking? Talk and the sex will come automatically. Unfortunately you will find that one party wants to talk but the other one does not. Women will discuss their husbands with other women. Husbands do not discuss their spouses with other men except in a joking manner.
      Some women tell me that they would really want a hug once and so often. The question here is whether your actions are conducive for hugging.
      We are all nuts! The only reason we are not in a lunatic asylum is because there is not enough space

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