Wham, bam, no thank you spam.

Morning all, here’s yesterday’s column in the Sunday Times, just in case you missed it.


I believe spam to be sent out by the bottom feeders and paedophiles of the universe. It truly is the scourge of the internet.
Replica watches – no thank you, I think I’m all good on the replica watch front.
Viagra – thanks for offering but I really don’t need any, because I’m a lady!
Penis Enlargements – people can’t really fall for that can they?
And if I had a hundred rand for every time I’ve won The Nigerian Lotto I would have around *counts on fingers*, let’s just say I’d have so much money it would be as if I had actually won The Nigerian Lotto.

The crazy mad thing about spam is that it must work somehow, on some level, otherwise they wouldn’t still send it out, would they?

So who’s buying into this crap? Which idiot out there is ordering replica watches by the dozen and Viagra up the wazoo and ruining life for the rest of us? Please tell me who it is. I’d like to ask him the time and then when he looks down at his replica watch I’d like to knee him in his gigantic, enlarged, permanently erect penis.

Do you think they’re actually selling real replica watches? Or is it a cunning but evil scheme to get all your details on file so they can steal your identity. Or perhaps they want your address so they can send you one of those letters that inform you that you’ve been cleared for a credit card with an opening balance of a million and a half Rand?

We recently got this gem delivered into our inboxes at work:
‘Back to basics, a longer, wider, stronger man meat is what she needs.’
Seriously? Who are they getting to write this stuff? Is it the same people who write the scripts for Pornographic Movies? Hold on a second, do pornos even have scripts? Do porn stars have to learn their lines? I really can’t imagine a porn star housewife opening the door to a porn star plumber and then ruining the take and making them have to start all over again because she forgot her line. I also can’t picture a porn star asking the porn director whether she should deliver her deep, thought-provoking soliloquy before or after the boom chicka wa wa music kicks in.

According to the information part of the internet (the 60% of it that isn’t pure spam), spam was invented in 1978 by a man named Gary Thuerk. A man who in my mind is only slightly less infuriating than the man at the DialAmerica Corporation who invented TeleMarketing in the 1950s. Both of these people deserve either a prolonged beating or a phone call from a stranger just as they’re sitting down to dinner with their families, every night for the rest of their lives.

Did you know that there are about 12.4 billion spam emails sent out daily? I don’t know about you, but some days it feels like 12.3 billion of them land in my inbox. And that doesn’t even include all the unsolicited smses we’re now having to deal with too.

I’m just hoping that if I’m a good citizen and I pay all my taxes and I don’t murder anyone, then one day, maybe, just maybe, as a reward, I’ll magically receive the private phone number for the guy who sends out those replica watch emails. When that happens I plan on passing his number on to the penis enlargement people, let’s see how much he likes that.

3 responses to “Wham, bam, no thank you spam.”

  1. Maryx says:

    Brilliant idea! Oh and do share that number with the rest of us…

  2. Paige says:

    will do, Maryx.

    speaking of which, does anyone know anyone who owns/works for/is related to/married to anyone at 777 jeans?
    right now they’re the biggest purveyor of unsolicited spam on my cell phone. grrrrr

  3. Rose&Thorn says:

    I “unsubscribe” to at least 5 mailing lists I never asked for per week. I HATE spam!!

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