The honeymoon phase

Morning Monday Morningers, here’s yesterday’s column. Hope you enjoy. It comes with all my love and a few desperate pleas for the year to end already.


New relationships are great. They don’t call it ‘The Honeymoon Phase’ for nothing. In the beginning the sun shines, birds tweet, nobody has morning breath and no matter what happens you can’t wipe that stupid grin off your face. That’s what happens when you’re having sex nine times a day.

Your stomach turns into a pretzel when the phone rings. You sit in a busy restaurant and feel like you’re the only two people there. You go to a movie and leave with absolutely no recollection of the plot. And you can forget sleep in the beginning of a relationship. Not that you need it. Adrenaline and lust take its place. You look bright eyed and glowing on three or four hours a night.

Dudes, try stumbling in at three am, stinking of beer, looking for some action two years into your relationship and you’ll wake up hungover on the couch, with a crick in your neck. But do that in the beginning of the relationship and it’s considered cute and romantic. That’s because the rules of engagement are different during ‘The Honeymoon Phase’.

Honeymooning couples are easy to spot. Approach their table at a restaurant to say hi and you’ll see panic in their eyes. They’re terrified you might try join them. Whereas a ‘Post-honeymoon-couple’ will pull out a chair for you and then you’ll have to go back to their place for dessert and a game of monopoly after dinner.

The problem is that ‘Post-honeymoon-couples’ have heard all of each other’s jokes at least twice already. They’ve also ticked off all the positions in the Karma Sutra and a couple new ones they made up along the way. So they don’t need to scuttle off at every opportunity for an experimental quickie.

In my experience honeymoon periods vary. I once had one that lasted four days and six hours, which was how long it took me to discover that the douchebag actually had a wife.

I asked a couple of girlfriends and we all agreed (certainly not the most scientific method in the world, but it works for us) that on average, the standard honeymoon period lasts anything from four to six months. Just long enough to wake up next to each other grumpy a couple of times and experience one of you with the flu. Let’s face it, once you’ve washed his jocks and met his family, it’s hard to stay completely dewy-eyed. Reality has to kick in at some point.

But there are a few upsides to making it out the other side of The Honeymoon Phase and into The Settling Into The Relationship Phase in one piece. For starters you can finally get some sleep, and you no longer walk like a cowboy all the time. You also don’t have to shave your legs as often and you get to actually spend time with other people, like friends and family. Because during the honeymoon phase, all time not spent at work or on the toilet, is spent together, or at least on the phone together.

Post honeymoon you also get to wear your favourite, most comfortable old t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms to bed. Don’t get me wrong, sexy lingerie is great, and it certainly does the job, but sometimes you just want to make it through a full night without being strangled by a G-string or suffocated by a bustier. So The Honeymoon Phase is a great place to visit, but I’m not so sure I’d want to live there.
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