The big dry spell

So tonight the fun’s all over. I get on a big (hopefully empty) airplane and fly back home after a fabulous three week holiday. And then it’s back to work. There are manuscripts to edit, blog posts to draft, smut to find, columns to write, ads to come up with and salaries to earn.

Speaking of columns, here’s my Sunday times column from yesterday.

Oh wait, one last thing, don’t forget to keep those book title suggestions coming, we’ll do the draw on wednesday and I’ll send the book out to the draw winner after that.

THE BIG DRY SPELL

I’ve been thinking a bit about dry spells lately.
For no reason really. Just because. You know, hypothetically speaking. In case someone else, other than me, was experiencing one.

I was wondering how long one has to not have had sex in order to be officially considered in a dry spell? And how long one needs to have abstained to be slap bang in the middle of an all out drought?

The way I see it a ‘Drought’ must surely be worse than a‘Dry Spell’, so how long is that? Are there any official timings for these things?

According to an online Urban Dictionary I use, the definition of a dry spell is -‘When you go for a period of time (usually longer rather than shorter) without sex.’ Thanks a lot! Could they be any more vague? ‘A period of time’, what good is that? That could be a week, could be a month, hell it could be just a couple of hours. Throw me a fricken’ bone over here.

Like say, still hypothetically speaking of course, it’s been a couple of months since one last had sex, is that considered a dry spell? Or does one have to abstain for over a year in order for it to count?

So I Googled ‘Dry Spell’, just in case Mr and Mrs Wikipedia had come up with some kind of mathematical equation for figuring it out. Like age plus height, minus third dates divided by condoms, times pi, kind of thing. They haven’t!

Scientists have apparently been busy with more important things. Which seems odd, what could be more important than this? On further reflection a dry spell is more than likely an impossible thing to calculate because of all the variables one would need to take into consideration. Like the fact that everyone has different levels of sexual appetite.

For some, going without having to put out for a couple of months isn’t cause for concern, but rather, cause for celebration. I have friends who consider it a blessing if they get to spend their bed time reading or better yet, actually sleeping.

For others, still hypothetically speaking of course, the thought of going just a week without sex is unbearable, impossible even. And some men out there truly believe that if they don’t‘do it’ regularly enough they might just die. Which is unfortunately not true.

So I guess it all depends who wants what and how often. And whether you’re lucky or rich enough to be able to find or pay someone to do it with you. Which is why there can sadly be no official ‘dry spell’ calculation, other than the fact that if you suspect you might be having a dry spell, you probably are. And if you don’t do something about it quickly it could very easily lapse into a drought.

And nobody wants that. Even hypothetically speaking.

Hope you have a nice week. xxx