People want answers. A few weeks ago I wrote about Ask Roulette, an event I attended in New York City, where strangers ask each other questions on stage. The final question of the night and of the column was; If you absolutely had to either kill a monkey OR have sex with it, which one would you do?
Two great answers to the unanswerable stood out. ‘How pretty is the monkey?’ was one response. They say you should never answer a question with a question, but in this case, fair play.
The second notable response came in the form of this tweet; ‘I would rather kill it, I won’t loose [sic] my virginity to a monkey. #TechnicallyVirgin.’
Firstly ha ha ha. Secondly… wait, how can you be technically a virgin? That’s like being half pregnant.
My understanding has always been, if you are straight, being a virgin means that you’ve never had penetrative sex with another human being. And if you are alternatively oriented, then that could include oral sex, anal sex or mutual masturbation. But it turns out there’s way more to virginity than just a willy and a vajayjay.
A long twitterbate ensued; apparently a lot of people consider themselves ‘technically’ virgins these days, based on various criteria that suit their particular individual agenda.
Some claim that you’re technically a virgin if you’ve had a long period of abstinence. The length of this period is up for debate and ranges from six months, to the seven years between being ages eighteen and twenty-five. Twenty-five because I’m told no man wants to marry a grandma. Which is technically not possible, since if she’s technically a grandma, how can she technically be a virgin? This is more confusing than long division.
And in an addendum to this clause, according to @mtshepino_77625: ‘Also note that there are ‘technically virgin’ partners within a marriage and most not by choice #actiondeprived.’
I’m sure Bill Clinton would agree, these people wouldn’t be the first to get caught out on a technicality.
Other tweeters claim that you are also considered technically a virgin if you have been with very few partners or with unworthy partners.
So let me get this straight, you can have sex every day, and twice on Sundays, but if it’s not with the person you’re want to be with forever, then you’re still a virgin? In that case, if you’re technically a virgin, then I’m technically thin.
The only argument that made any sense to me is the one that states you’re technically a virgin if while waiting for Mr or Mrs Right you’ve been abstaining from sex by watching vast amounts of pornography and masturbating furiously. Then when the right time and person comes around, you’ll have ‘survived’ and made it with your virginity technically in tact.
In complete opposition to this was a hugely offended Christian website that believes pornography is a gateway drug to evilness and they’d rather kids lost their virginity on their prom night than wanked till they were 25. I would explain their thinking to you, but I honestly couldn’t make head or tail of it. And the first comment after the article didn’t help clarify: ‘Thanks for this post. I’m 34 years old and I am a ‘technical virgin’. I was addicted to porn and it totally wrecked my life, and I believe is the reason that kept me unmarried for so long.’
In another technicality across town, I found a different concept I’ve been getting wrong all these years. They say that in order for an encounter to qualify as a ‘one-night stand’, the two (or more) people involved have to be complete strangers. So you can’t have a one-night stand with your neighbour, Bob, or your boss, Mr Graves, or your cousin. Well, especially not your cousin, but that’s for other reasons. Did you know this? It’s news to me.
It seems fitting to end off with another hard to answer question. Who makes up these rules? Is there a sex police operating out of a dungeon somewhere? If so, cuff me, I’m guilty.