Teabagging. Snigger, snigger.

Morning all, happy Moanday. Here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times column, in case you missed it. When i first wrote it I leaned over my desk and asked Karin (she’s my wonderful (and brave) Art Director, who sits across from me 5 days a week, 9 hours a day) if she thought the Sunday Times would publish a piece on ‘teabagging’. She scrunched up her nose, and said, ‘Gross man!’

A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – BY PAIGE NICK

WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?

A couple of weeks ago I was woken up by a knocking sound coming from outside. It was 3am on a Sunday morning. The knocking started out quietly, and got progressively louder and more urgent, until it was accompanied by shouting, too.

I popped my head outside, but there was no one at either of my neighbour’s doors, so I followed the sound until I discovered that it came from a car parked outside my apartment. It was a white Opel Corsa, with nobody in the front seat and panelled windows, so I couldn’t see into the back. With every passing second the banging and shouting got louder and more frantic.

So I woke up the ever-alert security guard and we tiptoed back to the car together, both trying to be brave. He leant forward and opened the boot. We jumped back as a very drunk guy unfolded out of the boot of the Corsa, looking bewildered. The last thing he remembered is having a couple of drinks with his friends at the local Slug and Cockroach. I asked him if he recognised the car boot he fell out of? He scratched his head and looked confused. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘That’s my mate’s car.’

Nice mates you’ve got, dude. What did he do for your birthday, rat you out to SARS?

Then I went back to bed, very grateful I’m a girl. When it comes to friends, you can’t beat a girlfriend. We’re definitely more the hold your hair back while you vomit gender, rather than the lock you in the boot of a car, then tiptoe off to bed when you get out of hand on a Saturday night out, variety.

A girlfriend will listen to you whinge about your ex for six months to a year, non-stop. She’ll say ‘bless you’ when you sneeze and she’ll buy you a massage when things get tough. While guy friends will shave off your eyebrows if you’re the first to fall asleep.

Guy friends are way crueller than girlfriends and about a million times more disgusting. It’s in their genes, it’s all part of their boyish camaraderie and playful nature. Tea bagging is exhibit A. It’s a guy ritual where if a guy passes out first, a ‘mate’ will drop his um… er… testicles (sorry, there’s no pretty way of putting this) on the unlucky passed out guy’s face, and then take a photograph. This happens. Really it does. That’s why a guy who has passed out after a big night will often wake up with a terrible taste in his mouth.

You have to wonder what boy came up with this idea first, and why? I just can’t imagine a bunch of girls getting up to this kind of thing. Back in the day the worst thing that would happen to you if you fell asleep early was that you’d find your bra in the freezer the next morning, lame maybe, but I’d much rather have lame dangled in my face than the alternative.

The fact of the matter is that best men are very rarely that. They generally insist on organising bachelor parties that the groom is going to have to spend the rest of his marriage apologising for. While girls organising a hen night give lovely gifts of extravagant lingerie and fun novelties that both the bride and groom can benefit from for years to come.

Ah guy friends, always there for you, always got your back, always happy to be your wingman, right by your side, unless of course you fall asleep first.

So boys, you can have your mates. I think I’ll stick with my girlfriends thank you very much, right to the bitter end.



5 responses to “Teabagging. Snigger, snigger.”

  1. Maryx says:

    So true!! Brilliant!!

  2. FuziJuzi says:

    Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha! No idea what you are talking about…

  3. Rose&Thorn says:

    Wonderful post – you always make me laugh. Thanks for the Monday highlight.

  4. um ask ducks just how gross girlfriends can get!!

  5. . says:

    I never did mind their nude drunk rituals, it’s like live porn… sometimes.

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