Here’s most recent Sunday Times Column, happy Rump and a Romp Day Dads.
RUMPS AND ROMPS, FILLETS AND FELLATIO – By Paige Nick
Not that I want to earn the (further) wrath of many men, but why do you need a special day all to yourselves again? Surely for you guys every day is Father’s Day? You get to pee standing up, be good cop with the kids ninety percent of the time, and I don’t see you hauling your moobs out a million times a day to feed anything.
Shame, dads have it so rough, they have to be in charge of showing kids how to grow a beard, making the braai, playing soccer and camping trips, tough life. I can see now why you need a day of spoiling to recuperate.
I really feel like men are getting the better deal here (as usual). Let’s do the sums; they get Father’s Day, Cleavage Day – come on let’s admit that’s entirely for their benefit. And then Braai day is pretty much theirs too.
What do we get? Valentines Day, which has a terrible reputation, and usually ends badly for all concerned. Women’s Day, when men also somehow get the day off (how did we get that wrong?), and Mother’s Day. So we would have been even, three for three, except now there’s Steak and a Blowjob Day too.
I first heard about Steak and a Blowjob Day a few years ago and thought it was one of those faddy things that would just disappear into ridiculous obscurity. A radio talk show host in USA, named Tom Birdsey, started it in 2002. Maybe he thought if he made it official it would convince his wife. It takes place on 14th March every year. He’s billing it as a Valentine’s Day for blokes. The idea is simple: ‘no cards, flowers, choccies or other whimsical gifts. Ladies (and gay men), on this day you simply bestow your partner with a steak (medium rare) and a blowjob. Not necessarily in that order.’
Birdsey says he specifically chose this date, exactly a month after Valentine’s Day, for a reason. He reckons it will inspire men to take Valentine’s Day more seriously and spoil the ladies in their lives more, in the hopes that their thoughtfulness will be duly reciprocated with a fillet and some fellatio a month later. Guys are so easy to please; all they require is a slab of meat in their mouth and their slab of meat in yours.
Birdsey later tagged his Steak and a Blowjob Day onto a charity, so all proceeds of the merchandise they sell off their website (branded g-strings and other elegant steak and blow job accessories) goes to a number of man-part cancer research projects. I think Birdsey realised that unless his ridiculous day was attached to some greater good, it just wouldn’t fly. And kudos to him, it seems to be gaining more and more traction every year. I predict it will be a fully-fledged ‘thing’ within the next 5 years. God help us all.
Have you ever heard of anything more self-serving in your life? Women would never be that blatant. That’s why one of our days is simply called Mother’s Day. If we took a page out of guy’s books and call a spade a spade we’d have to rename Mother’s Day something like, Please Just Leave Me Alone For One God-Dammed Minute Day. Or; If You Don’t Treat Me Nice and Take The Kids For A Second I’m Going To Explode Day. Or how about; Please Buy Me A Gift Of Thanks For All I Do Around Here And No, Slippers Aren’t A Gift, Day!
Okay guys, you can keep your Father’s Day and your Steak and Blowjob Day if you must, but consider yourselves warned, you never know what it might spurn. Any day now one of us may come up with Wine And Diamonds Day. Or Channel And A New Car Day. Then we’ll tag it onto a charity like breast cancer awareness, or Save The Beavers, and next thing you know it will be a ‘thing’, and then you’ll be sorry.
