Spank the Xmas monkey

The year goes so fast, you blink and miss it. 

One minute it’s January and then suddenly here we are at the final Sunday Times Lifestyle column for the year. 

It’s been a big, stupendous, full-colour, high speed, high definition, full tilt, insanely cool year. I hope it’s been the same for you. That your cup has runneth over, and your happiness has stretched the corners of your mouth until it hurt. 

I hope you have a marvellous, enriching, relaxing and safe new year, and I look forward to seeing you back here in a couple of weeks, ready to hit the  new year hard. 

xoxo

A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick

DON’T BE A JERK THIS CHRISTMAS

You know how Santa knows if you’ve been good or bad? Well it turns out he’s not the only one.

By analyzing Internet traffic on pornographic websites, statisticians have been able to get a really good picture of when people around the world are enjoying themselves the most, manually. So to speak.

Pornhub is the world’s third largest free pornographic video sharing website. When you have more than a billion hits every month, you start to learn a thing or two about human behaviour. And at Pornhub they started to notice that people were logging onto the porn less during the big holidays, like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It turns out that there’s a drastic drop in spanking-the-monkey statistics worldwide over the festive season. Perhaps we’re all too busy eating, drinking, opening presents and fighting with our siblings to polish the banister.

Last Christmas Eve, porn-watching statistics dropped significantly in every single country in the world, except Japan. But then the Japanese always have been more industrious than the rest of us. In fact theirs is the only country where wanking numbers actually went up substantially on Christmas day. Turkey isn’t so big in Japan at Christmas time, but clearly tossing the turkey is.

And it’s not just over Christmas that we don’t like to get our jollies on. The opening ceremony of the Olympics caused a 27% drop in self-pleasuring in the UK. Maybe everyone had been watching too much women’s discus or hammer toss, and it made them feel unsexy, and that’s why viewership of the world’s oldest single-handed sport was so low? I bet it shoots way up during Wimbledon though, those grunters in their short white skirts are hot.

X-rated viewing also plummeted during the Royal wedding. I guess the press was having enough of a wank for all of us at the time. Although it must be noted that there was a major spike in porn viewership again once all the wedding festivities were over. That was when the sister of the bride became one of the most googled images since Lindsay Lohan put out a nip slip clip.

Breaking news also appears to put a damper on our one-handed surfing schedule. Statistics tell us that there was a lot less jerking around in America on the day Osama Ben Laden was killed. And the release of the iphone 5 saw a rather large drop in porn traffic in France and Germany too. And shame, news of the financial crisis deepening in Greece saw a 7% drop in activity there. Those poor bastards can’t even afford to masturbate anymore.

And of course it’s no surprise that natural disasters also put a damper on wrist aerobics. When there’s a typhoon coming, you’re hardly tossing off a quick one while you batten down the hatches, stockpile tuna, batteries and candles and prepare for the worst. As a rule, death isn’t much of a turn on. Although there are always exceptions to every rule and there was a major pornographic spike in 2012, just when the Mayans told us the world was ending. I suppose if you’ve got to go, you may as well do it with your hands in your pants and a smile on your face. Awkward though when the world doesn’t go and end, and your mom walks in without knocking to call you down for dinner.

In response to these one-arm bandit infographics released by Pornhub, one nervous young man on Twitter asked if masturbating on Christmas Day was considered disrespectful? He said he was asking for a friend. #sure.

‘No way, think of it as a gift to yourself.’ A kind soul advised him.

‘Maybe just don’t shout out Oh God, oh God, oh God, while you’re doing it.’ Suggested another. And @nogirlfriend24 tweeted; ‘If it is I’m in big trouble!’

So be safe and have fun this festive season, after all, Christmas only comes once a year, you on the other hand…