Morning friends, roman’s, countrymen, lend me your eyes. Here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times column. Did you ever get a sex injury? C’mon tell us all about it.
SEXTIONS AND ANSWERS – By Paige Nick
I’ve noticed over the last few weeks that we have a new addition to this page in the form of an Ecstasy Aunt column. I’m quite pleased about it actually; it’s a bit of a relief not to be the only one lowering the tone of this newspaper every week.
As you may have already gathered, crazy sex stuff fascinates me. Have you seen that show called Sex Sent Me to the ER, which premiered in The States in December and flights here on one of the dodgy channels? Every week actors and sometimes the participants/victims/freaks reenact real-life incidences and accidents that happened to them during sex and landed them in the ER.
I like to think of it as a Docuality, part documentary, part reality. One episode showed a woman who suffered a three-hour orgasm which was so intense her husband had to rush her to the hospital. Lying prostate on the hospital bed crying out loudly, the doctor asked her on a scale of one to ten how much pain she was in? Eyes squeezed tightly shut, throat raspy from shouting out so much, she said zero.
In another episode, the sheer weight of a two-hundred kilo man losing his virginity to his 22-year old girlfriend, sent her flying backwards and her head went right through the wall.
And one episode tells of a couple who raced to the ER after he’d given her one of those giant jelly baby gummy bears and they’d decided to melt it and let him lick it off of her. But after four minutes in the microwave, it was more like molten lava than molten jelly baby. When he poured it onto her she discovered it didn’t cool on the skin like wax does – it was like her chest was on fire. He tried to lick it off but then his tongue was on fire.
I just have so many questions; Ecstasy Aunt would have a field day. Like how many cigarettes did the orgasm lady smoke once it was all over? And to the gummy bear pair, lady was it as goo for you as it was for him?
The only sex injury I ever had was walking like John Wayne once after a great long weekend, and a broken, scratched and fractured heart on occasion. So I asked around my dodgy girlfriends to see if any of them had ever screwed their way into the ER.
One remembers a bad calf spasm, another broke her arm when her guy rolled onto her mid-action. Then there was the chili on the fingers incident of 2009 – they had to dunk his thingy in a tub of yogurt to cool it down! Everyone has those foodie friends. And then there was the bad case of misthrust, when a friend’s boyfriend got carried away and rammed her in the bottom. She fainted and he thought he’d killed her. That will teach him.
Even better are the excuses my friends made as to how they got their injuries. A girlfriend who got bad carpet burn all down her spine during floor sex one summer, told everyone at the office she’d fallen down stairs. The one who rolled off the bed onto a bottle of peach schnapps (it was the 90s) cutting her neck, told her mother she’d walked into a thorn bush. And the cheating bastard friend of a friend who cut his penis during sex with a woman he met at the gym, told his wife he’d caught his willy in his zip!
I was going to ask Ecstasy Aunt how many different sex injuries one can possibly have during sex? Surely those just about cover it? But I see that season two of Sex Sent Me to the ER just started in USA with another thirty-five episodes lined up. And a Chicago doctor reported dealing with sex injuries in his ER about twice a week, so it looks like we’re not running out of mad sex injuries any time soon. I suppose we’re all just looking to keep our relationships fresh, or for that exciting new position or toy that will makes sex even more fun than last time. Any ideas Ecstasy Aunt? I’m asking for a friend.