A very smart man once told me that Monday is his favourite day of the week.
He countered that Mondays are the best. That on a monday you’re your most productive and hope-filled self. You’re fresh, with all that stamina and optimism about all the good things you’re going to get done.
He may have a point.
So this week I shall try to look at Monday differently.
For now Monday can be my colleague. We’re not friends yet.
Here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times Column:
A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick
NUDGE, NUDGE, WINK WINK.
Have you ever noticed how quickly just about anything can become suggestive? Have you seen the leaning tower of Penis, I mean Pisa? Just the other day I was having a casual conversation with a friend and somehow in the space of about seven minutes, we managed to roll the conversation around from, ‘So, what book are you reading?’ to one about weird sexual positions. As you do.
It’s funny how that happens, one minute you’re talking about how great the series Homeland is and the next second you’re debating the irony of banana-flavoured condoms.
Conversation is fluid like that. And so is sex, it always manages to creep in through the cracks. See, I said crack. Once you hit this track it’s nearly impossible not to do it. Damn, I said ‘do it’. When your ear is tuned-in to it, suddenly everything sounds suggestive, and then you’re screwed.
In fact, once you get down to it (he he he, get down to it) there really aren’t many sentences out there that you can’t sneakily add on the words ‘that’s what she said’, to make it sound dirty. Try it, it’s a bit of a thing. (That’s what she said.)
I wonder if it’s because sex is pretty much at the core of most things. They say men think about it on average every couple of minutes, so no wonder it’s bound to come up. (Ahem.)
This notion of managing to roll just about any conversation around to sex, reminds me of a game that was big for a while in the 90’s, when the internet first went mainstream. It was called ‘The Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon’. The game was based on the theory of six degrees of separation, whereby the famous actor Kevin Bacon is at the centre of the entertainment universe. So basically any famous actor or actress you can think of can be linked back to Kevin Bacon in six simple moves or less. Why Kevin Bacon gets to be at the centre of it all is a bit of a mystery, but he is named after one of the most delicious food stuffs known to mankind, so maybe that has something to do with it.
So, according to the game, Michelle Pfeiffer, for example, was in The Witches of Eastwick, with Jack Nicholson, who was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon. Which means that Michelle Pfeiffer has a Bacon Number of three. I’m sure you’ve heard about this.
Or if you’d rather take Pamela Anderson (nudge, nudge, wink, wink), she was in Scary Movie 3 with Queen Latifah, who was in Beauty Shop with Kevin Bacon. So that’s also a Bacon Number of three.
In fact, Kevin Bacon himself is the only person in the world who has a Bacon number of one.
So perhaps the same principle applies to sex and conversations. Depending what company you’re in, or what mind-set you’re in, or what your degree of separation to a bottle of Scotch you’re in, just about anything can be made to sound suggestive.
Take the word screwdriver, for example. A simple word, meaning an implement with which to screw in screws. However, you can go from a screw driver straight to the word screw, which is another word for sex. Boom, so the word ‘screwdriver’ has a Sex Number of 2.
The word ‘donkey’, is also a relatively innocent word. Or is it? Another word for a donkey is an ass, and an ass is also a bottom, which means the word Donkey has a Sex Number of three.
‘Ice cube’, well that’s just too easy, it rhymes with boob, which means ‘ice cube’ has a Sex Number of two.
Hot dog? Another name for the hot dog is a wiener, which is also one of the funniest words ever for a penis. Again a Sex Number of two. This game just keeps on giving.
Or you might argue that I simply have a filthy mind, and dirtiness is purely in the eye of the beholder. Beholder, out of which comes the word hold, which means to hug, which leads to a squeeze, and maybe even a kiss with tongue, and that my friends is a Sex Number of four.