MEET METROSEXUAL 2.0–By Paige Nick
Dear Metrosexual, I’m afraid to say it, but your worst nightmare has come true, you are now so last decade. The term metrosexual was coined twenty years ago by British journalist, Mark Simpson, when he smooshed the words metropolitan and heterosexual together, to describe the growing population of young men, who for the first time in history, took their grooming as seriously as women and aimed to be right on the cutting edge of trends, fashion and a designer beard. Mark Simpson himself is a metrosexual, he’s also a Smooshalist (Journalist who smooshes words together to make new words).
Back then Simpson, a top Smooshalist, came up with the term when he noticed that there were lots of men spending tons of time and cash doing things like getting facials, doing the manscaping, and wearing manbags. Man-icures followed, and so did meggings (man tights).
If you ever needed proof of the power of this demographic, it was reported that in the UK, Metrosexuals spent more on shoes last year than women. They put the man in Manolo Blahnik.
But now we hear Mark Simpson has announced that there’s a new breed of man in town. Meet Metrosexuals 2.0, the Spornosexual. Simpson created this term by smooshing the words; sport, porn and metrosexual together and cramming it all into a new-aged man-thong.
The Spornosexual is an even more extreme sex and body obsessed kind of man than we’ve ever seen before. God help us. Picture the gayest, most body-fixated man you’ve ever come across, now make him very straight and almost naked, that’s a Spornosexual.
These guy-gods aren’t shy. They have perfectly pumped and chiseled bodies, strategically placed tattoos, piercings and perfect all-over body tans, and they’re not afraid to use them. Who knew you could bleach, comb and put hair gel in chest hair? While Metrosexuals were all about wearing the hippest, hottest, best-fitting clothes, Spornosexuals couldn’t be less interested in covering their bodies. As far as they’re concerned, the less they wear, the better for all of us.
Nothing turns a spornosexual on more than the sight of a chiseled ab, or a glistening thigh, their own of course, not somebody else’s. Hey if you spent nineteen of every twenty-four hours sweating it up in the gym, sculpting your body till it’s so sharp it could give you a paper cut, you’d want to show it off too, and clothes really just get in the way.
To find the perfect Spornosexual speciman (sic), turn to the pages of a glossy magazine and the latest international male underwear or fragrance advertisement. Particularly the ones where they shoot the entire Brazilian soccer team naked in a changing room. Those are grade A, prime cut, Spornosexuals.
More recently in an episode of popular British reality show, The Only Way is Essex, Harry and Bobby appear on a beach wearing the latest Spornosexual accessory; the half thong. Which is weird because I thought a thong was half a thing already, half underpants, half butt crack.
If you’ve never seen a Spornosexual half man-thong before, imagine almost enough fabric to cover the frontal penis and testicle area, all held up by a wish and a prayer, and there you have it. You know the Nike swoosh? Well cut that out, paste it over your junk, and you’ve got the half thong. Also this slip of fabric must be presented in neon, it’s the law. Just in case you didn’t notice the buffed, coiffed, peroxided naked guy on the beach, the lumo green or orange penis hammock should help with visibility.
Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. As long as someone institutes another law whereby these Spornosexuals parading themselves in less than nothing have very specific measurements, this shouldn’t go too badly. They’re really hot, so if you can see past their giant egos, they’re not so hard to look at. The only question that remains is who thinks they’re hotter ladies, us or them?