letters, letters, letters.

Hi all, so i’ve mentioned before the kinds of crazy mails i recieve every week in response to my column in the Sunday Times, and this week has been no exception.

Strange to note that I didn’t get a single mail from a female, which is odd considering that I thought the column was very female oriented.

here are a couple of beauts:

This first one comes from Onwell:

Hie i can help get me one proffessional single for a date but im a married man 30 yrs old i can reduce the number

I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine.

This next guy didn’t leave his name, but I have his cell number if any of you ladies are interested:

Ur column is interesting.i dont have a date. i like 2 have a date with u white sistaz. but maybe money wise iam not secure

Here’s another:

But seriously ladies, in my opinion this next guy is a keeper, and i’m not even joking here. Anyone looking for an eligible, smart, funny dude, look no further. Mail me if you’re interested and i’ll get you in touch.

Hi, I read your article which appeared in the Lifestyle Magazine on 16 Jan.
I applaud your brave approach re suitability. Perhaps your next column should be dedicated to “contra sex ratio-singles”, ie single guys. Believe me,we are in the same boat and have the same complaint(although it is probably difficult to be a fish in the sea and in the boat at the same time!!!).
I am of the view that I fall within the description which is contained in the last sentence of the 2nd paragraph of your article.Yet I remain (disillusioned) in the desert. I surmise, like everything in life, that it is just a question of being in the right place at the right time (or conceivably the wrong place at the right time) ie luck.
Michael.

Thanks Michael, I totally agree. You just have to be in the wrong place at the right time. That’s all. (I told you, is he a keeper or what? Yeah yeah, if he’s so great why am I sharing the love? He’s Joburg based. Have at him ladies.)

And there were a ton of CV type offers:

Hi, I am a straight single successful 36 year old man looking for a woman for a relationship toward marriage. There just not enough woman available. I am a director within Aveng Group, good looking, sporty. Kesh

If anyone is interested in getting to know any of these guys let me know, and i’ll put you in touch. (This last guy sent a photograph of himself.)

Morning Page,

I enjoy reading your column. You’ll have to set me up with one of your friends.
In short, I’m in my early 40s, trained as an economist at Vanderbilt, US. I’m open minded, considerate, love the outdoors etc.
Bongani.

Bongani sounds like quite a catch. Any takers?

But by far my favourite came from John:

Hi Paige

I really enjoy your weekly column in the Sunday Times, I’m a happy single guy and find your perspective on dating and meeting the right person of the opposite sex humerous and insightful.


After reading today’s piece, if you want to hook me up with one of your single friends I’d do it for your column!
Keep up the great work!
Cheers
John

Bwahahahaha. You don’t find that kind of selfless commitment anymore these days. Thank you John.

Dear Nicky Paige



Hopefully that is a suitable appellation – “Nick” does not seem right for a member of the fairer sex; nor does it seem right as a surname, with Paige as your first.

Your article is worthy of a better description than a “page nick”. I seem to remember reading one of your articles in a previous edition of the ST on which date it was suitable to go to the next level – I enjoyed that too.


Anyway to return to your analysis – amusing as it was, I suggest that a difficulty for many of us is that we look for more than the other person can give – perhaps you said that, so I don’t claim originality. This outlook immediately takes about 90% of those who might be eligible out of the equation.


I shall resist giving you a biographical and physiological description because yours is not a dating agency – and if it were I would not be writing to you.

But, let your friends know that there are still some “men” out there.
Regards
Hal

It’s a good letter. thank you Hal. Love Paige. Paige Nick. Paige is my first name, Nick is my surname. (Sheesh!)

This next guy not only wrote me a letter, but he also wrote a computer programme to help us find our ideal matches.

Hi Paige,
Just to thank you for making me think and laugh more each Sunday than many politicians can do.
A program that I wrote that can help you and some of those hot single women you write about: http://www.luckydays.tv/starlove.html
Regards,
Adrian
Single is ok. The strongest love is unrequited.

Adrian, are you single? Cos if you wrote a computer programme to combat singleness and you’re still single, then… well, I’m just sayin’.

Then there’s this guy. I can’t say I understand his mail all that well. I might need to light up a spliff or something to get there. It’s anyone’s guess whether he is writing to say he enjoyed the column or hated it. I can’t tell. But I kind of dig him.

Hello fellow gmailian! Without PREJUDICE and with extreme mirth and appreciation and nameless we would prefer to remain!! Dont google me!!


Oh my Gawd! I have never in my life ever heard such sense said in such precise prose as this!


Studied! Indeed the “STUDY” shows, sorry what country, culture, age group, economic department, religious denomination blab la bla did you ACTUALLY study~!!??


We are social animals and we love sex!! Now anyone that is alone cannot have social interaction or sex! Der!! What is suitability?? He pays for your shoes?? Your friends have unhappy, unproductive lives. Wow, that is some statement, that they are unhappy because someone does not pay for their shoes or service their carnal needs!! Your friends need to understand men, not women, and then they may find a cobbler!!


So are you commitment phobic?? What does that ACTUA
LLY mean?? Why are you worried about THEM?? What EXPERTS are you referring to? There are many single men, we are a happy bunch 3 single males of heterosexual inclination and who possess the unquestionable ability to on any moonlit night to have any woman we want, why would we settle for 10 years older!! It is quite simple darling, the young ones have nice firm titties!!


Research AGAIN!! More girls than boys?? Testosterone related injuries, ha ha ha! My girlfriendzzzzz have exhibited the most dangerous behaviour I have ever witnessed, even including in the Vietnam War!! I am surprised I am alive!! Fuck Cambodia!!


OOPS gayeeee??? That is happy and content!! Well we are so far from gay we get terrified when a single man approaches us!! I can imagine how you feel! Them gays, I are immortalised!! Gotta agree with you there baby!


Statistics statistics, gay numbers?? NONE of my girlfriends have been STRAIGHT, ALL of them were lesbians, aaaar noooo, actually they liked, I mean they batted for both sides!! I must say it was a lot of fun!! I enjoyed meself immensely! No complaints, you see they argued wif each udder! Not me!


I do not understand your next paragraph, computer geeks I think you are referring to, well they just cool guys! No comment… Use the trigger finger to your advantage baby!!


You know something baby, older women have overcome their sexual insecurities to the extent that they realise what a wonderful playtoy their cougar is!! 161000 men incarcerated?? It seems you are caught up in statistics baby! What is the percentage of 161000 against 8 million odd men, wow that is SIGNIFICANT! Your description of CROCS and a PUANCH is delightful; would you rather have blue suede shoes and a sleeveless tee shirt??


Your last statement is priceless!! THE FEWER GUYS THERE ARE TO CHOOSE FROM THE HOTTER THE AVAILABLE ONES START TO LOOK AND ULTIMATELY THE MORE SINGLE WE REMAIN!!


SO what are you telling us baby?? We await eagerly in anticipation of your next informative article, SINGLE AT 80!!

Yes, I think I’ll leave you with that bit of crazy.