Ironing out the kinks

Here’s yesterday’s column. It’s got a couple of kinks in it. Hope you enjoy.



What do you consider kinky? And by kinky, me and the dictionary mean ‘full of kinks, closely twisted, unusual, or marked by unconventional sexual preferences or behaviour’ (or should that be badhaviour). Basically it refers to how wild you are in the sack, or on the kitchen floor, or even out in public for you slightly braver kinksters.

So where do you think you sit on the kinky scale? Say if one on the scale is on a bed in the missionary position with the lights off, and ten is you with twelve of your closest friends and a gimp mask on a waterslide at an orgy.

I started taking a ‘How Kinky Are You?’ test that I found on the internet, but when I got to questions like ‘You find vampire’s sexy’, and ‘The thought of drinking someone’s blood excites you’, I realised I may not have the found the right test, so I exited the site immediately and deleted my browser history, just in case.

I suppose kinkyness is a tricky thing to define. After all, by the very nature of it, what’s extremely kinky for one can be considered perfectly normal to another. Also, once you’re used to something it’s not all that kinky anymore, at least not to you.

For example, certain after hours chandelier swinging activities, which for one kind of person might only be saved for a very special occasion, say after a litre of wine and some oysters, could for another kind of person be considered a quiet Monday night at home. You see, everyone’s different, that’s what’s so lovely about the world we live in.

Pornography is another great example. For some it’s unthinkable, and makes them want to bathe in disinfectant and call the police (did somebody say handcuffs?) and for others it’s something akin to an art form, and a collectible one at that.

Some find the simple naked foot incredibly kinky. Personally I couldn’t think of anything less kinky, especially after a day spent in a takkie. But hey I guess that’s the point of a fetish, it’s like knitting or scrapbooking, it’s not for everyone

Wearing leather is another popular kink, so is whipped cream and chocolate body paint. But like I said, it’s not for everyone. Especially if you’re on weight watchers, then chances are you don’t look so hot in head-to-toe, skin-tight leather, and you also don’t want to use up all your food points for the week in one night. You might also want to avoid the kinky food play if you have 600 count Egyptian cotton sheets. The juice from squashed strawberries is a bitch to wash out, so I’ve heard.

I guess the trick is making sure that you find yourself in a relationship where you and your partner are both in a similar area on the kinky scale. You don’t want to be a two, dating an eight or a nine. Because one of you is going to end up going to sleep disappointed, and the other is going to end up going to sleep with one eye open.

Easier said than done though. Over the years I’ve discovered that learning a new partner’s level of kink isn’t always so simple. ‘So, hey, I was wondering if one day in a couple of months you’re going to ask me to cover you in honey and feathers and spank you with a toilet brush?’ is hardly appropriate first date small talk.

It’s not easy for the kinkster either. They know that getting their timing right when revealing their kink is critical. Wait too long to disclose that you’re wearing panties when you should be wearing the pants and you could be accused of being dishonest. But you also don’t want to whip out your nipple clamps in the car on the way home from your second date. Unless of course your car battery goes flat on the M5 and you need a pair of jumper cables.

Truth is there’s a fine line between crazy and kinky, one that’s more often than not made out of latex.

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