before the internet, where did we turn if we had an embarrassing sex question to ask?
well i don’t know, but fortunately now there’s ‘go ask alice!‘
it’s an awesome website where people who may or may not have finished high school, can go to ask those tricky or embarrassing questions they’re too shy to ask in person.
poor alice, i think some days she has her hands full.
here’s a question someone asked her just the other day.
Dear Alice,
Can you please tell me why my fiance laughs after I ejaculate… is it common or should I take it personally????
– Fiance
and here’s a snippet of alice’s response –
Dear Fiance,
People express their sexual enjoyment through a vast range of behaviors. Laughter after ejaculation falls well within the range of idiosyncratic behaviors. Other expressions after climax include crying, yawning, sighing, swearing, and a hearty praising of the Lord. These behaviors are quite natural after-effects of coming.
If this behavior causes you doubt try talking to your fiancé. Perhaps together you can come up with a new after-ejaculation response.
– from Alice.
she’s very good this alice, if i was alice, i would have said:
Dear Fiance,
your penis is obviously tiny and soft, like a little feather. and you are tickling your partner with it during sex – that’s why she is laughing. chin up, it could be worse, she could be crying. or yawning.
here’s another of the tough questions alice has had to deal with:
Dear Alice,
I’ve been having this problem with my girlfriend. Whenever we make out, I get the impression that she wants me to do something with her breasts… but I don’t have the foggiest what to do.
— Clueless in Canada
oh bless.
and here’s what alice had to say:
Dear Clueless in Canada,you can try the following with breasts — and remember, your partner can help too:
caress, stroke, kiss, fondle, tickle, lick, massage, moisten, blow-dry, hold, nibble, burrow,
bounce, compliment, cradle, dust, suck, protect, jiggle, jangle, twist, turn, name, talk, wash, woo,
warm, and…?
How fortunate your girlfriend is to have a companion with the caring and courage to ask such a question.
– from Alice.
alice, alice, alice – you want him to ‘dust’ or ‘blow-dry’ her boobs! what the hell, alice, you sick freak. if i’d known being a sex expert was just a matter of whipping out the old thesaurus i would have started my own website years ago.
let’s see, do we have time for another question? how about this one:
Dear Alice,
My new girlfriend and I had sex for the first time this weekend. Later in the evening, she was curious about something… “Where is that thing going???” she asked. Being admittedly a bit rusty on my knowledge of the anatomy of the female body, I told her I thought it went no further than the “uvula” but that I would do a little research and get back to her.
– Need Directions
Alice responded:
Dear Need Directions,
Inside the opening are walls made up of soft tissue. This tissue tends to mold around a penis, fingers, tampons, or any other object that may be placed inside it. When you mentioned the uvula, perhaps you meant the vulva, or outer genitals, which consists of the visible sexual organs.
– from Alice.
Dear Need Directions AND Alice.
the penis goes into the vagina!
penis – vagina!
it’s not rocket science people.
and i was going to leave it at that, but this one is just too much:
Dear Alice,
Is it possible for nonpregnant women or women who have never been pregnant to lactate? If so, what would be the best way to stimulate it? I’d love to please my new husband with this.
– Lisa
Dear Lisa,
It is possible for non-pregnant women to lactate. The most successful cases of women who haven’t just given birth lactating usually include a combination of hormone therapy and physical stimulation of the breasts and nipples.
Dear Lisa,
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! You want to breastfeed your husband! WTF! Have you completely lost your mind? Seriously! That’s not acceptable. If you husband wants milk he can get up and go to the kitchen like all the other men, lazy fucker!
thanks alice, i’m going to be checking back in on you regularly.