Morning Hipsters and Hippies, here’s yesterday’s very environmentally friendly Sunday Times column.
HUG A TREE. BETTER YET, SHAG ONE – By Paige Nick.
Forget dildos, butt plugs and nipple clamps, the hottest new sex must-have is the organigasm. For those of you not in the know, that’s an organic orgasm. We haven’t just been screwing each other for the last hundred years, it turns out we’ve been screwing the planet too, and now it’s time for us to all do our bit to become greener lovers.
To help us clean up our bedroom act, Greenpeace took a moment out from saving the whales, to publish a handy guide to environmentally friendly shagging. I thought some of their suggestions were a little silly, but on the whole, if you’re willing to put in a bit of effort you can still shag like a bunny, and come out the other side with an organigasm and a clear conscience.
In their blandest suggestion, the hippies recommend we take more showers together. It saves water and will improve your sex life. But better make it a quickie, because one long shower is just as bad as two regular ones. Also doing it in the dark conserves electricity, so fat chicks with insecurities have got a head start on the rest when it comes to saving the universe.
But to be a genuine, card-carrying bunny hugger, you have to ditch the rabbit. Most traditional dildos and vibrators, like the famous rabbit and infamous dolphin, are made with PVC plastics, which are near impossible to recycle, will never biodegrade, and actually contain carcinogenic chemicals. I picture landfills in fifty years time, filled with nothing but giant plastic cocks. We’re not suggesting you get rid of your best friend altogether, hell no, that would be cruel, there are other safer fake penis options, thank goodness.
These days you can actually get dildos made of glass. They may be a little colder to the touch at first and not battery operated, but they come with spiraled ridges you may enjoy, and it brings new meaning to seeing the world through rose-tinted glasses. However, if the idea of glass in your panties doesn’t get you off, and you like a little jiggle in your wiggle, they’ve just started making a solar-powered bullet vibrator. Or if you’d rather avoid having to explain to your family why you’ve laid your sex toy out in a sunny patch on the lawn to charge, the very least you can do is make sure your toys use rechargeable batteries, so there’ll be less mercury and lithium going to the landfill.
Or lose the batteries all together, and treat yourself to a wind-up sex toy. Of all the sex-greening options I came across, this one appealed the most. The wind-up dildo, which sounds like something invented for April Fools, is actually very real and quite clever. They’re made from 100% recycled parts, require no batteries, and come with a small cranking handle that unfolds from the bottom of the vibrator. You simply wind it up manually, then let it wind you up manually. One wind will keep it (and you) going for more than thirty minutes at a stretch.
But wait, there’s more. Even condoms have gone conscious. You can get condoms made from fair trade rubber that are chemical-free. And because they’re constructed without any animal by-products, they have the added bonus of being vegan too. So your vegan girlfriend no longer has an excuse for getting out of giving you blowjobs. You have Mother Nature to be grateful to for that. And you can thank her by changing your lube. Conventional lubrication is full of ingredients and chemicals that are impossible to pronounce, let alone biodegrade. And there’s no guarantee they’re free from animal testing. So lentil-eaters recommend an organic water-based lube, made of essential oils instead.
In this day and age, with all these available options, if you’re not doing something, anything to green your bedroom routine, you’re very very naughty and you need a jolly good spanking. Preferably with a whip fashioned out of recycled materials. Or if you prefer your spanking done with a paddle, please make sure it’s made from sustainably harvested timber. It’s the very least you can do.