Morning, here’s yesterday’s column from The Sunday Times. As an added bonus, you’ll see it’s illustrated. Hope you enjoy.
A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick. HAPPY FLIPPING FATHER’S DAY.
Happy Father’s Day dads of the nation. The fact that it’s today was violently brought to my attention whilst waiting in the queue at a shop the other day, running my eyes over the bazillion Father’s Day cards and paraphernalia that had suddenly sprung up, like umbrellas for sale at a set of traffic lights during a sudden shower.
When I was a kid I used to spend hours making extravagant cards using glitter pens and every crayon in the box. But these day’s I’m more of a scribble on the side of the second-time-used wrapping paper, with the only working pen I can find in my car at the last minute (my eyeliner pencil) kind of girl. You know how it goes.
So taking a closer look at all those shiny wishes stacked up in front of me, I started wondering who actually writes these things? And not just the Dad’s Day ones, I’m talking about all those schmaltzy, Canderel-flavoured cards you come across all year round.
‘My love is like a red, red rose…’
‘Your lips are as soft as rose petals…’
The poor rose, bet it never wanted to become synonymous with soppy love. And why the rose, what makes it more romantic than any other flower? Who’s to say the Snap Dragon, Delicious Monster, or Venus Fly Trap couldn’t be the epitome of love too?
‘If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I’d walk through a garden forever.’ Oh my vomit!
Is writing this stuff actually somebody’s job? Does some poor schmuck spend eight hours a day sitting with his Thesaurus in his lap, looking for as many different synonyms for ‘special’, or ‘precious’ or ‘darling’ that he can find? Seriously, that can’t be much fun.
So I was busy doing some research, trying to find out who writes these things (I wanted to send him a condolence card) when I came across a range of cards out there called Mean Cards. Which in my opinion are much more appropriate for the kind of hectic, hard-core times we find ourselves living in.
Why send a soppy, impersonal condolence card when you can send one that says, ‘Have a drink, it will make everything all better’ instead?
And the next time someone sends me an invitation to their wedding, I’m totally sending them this Mean Card: ‘Thank you, but I’d sooner chop off my hand.’
Well, at least it’s honest. I believe it’s time for a greeting card revolution! Forget the schmaltz, and the sappy poetry, the time has come for honesty and truthfulness.
And why should we only send cards on the big-name occasions like birthdays, Father’s Day, and anniversaries? Why not send these new, improved, more honest cards for the smaller, everyday occurrences too. Say a friend overdoes it at a party, why not send them a card that says; ‘You drank too much and made a fool of yourself last night.’
Or if you absolutely have to send an engagement card, how about this one: ‘Congratulations on your engagement, but she may just be in it for your money.’ Or if that’s a little too harsh (read true) for your liking, then what about this one: ‘Congrats on your engagement, but is it perhaps because you’re pregnant?’
And all Get Well Soon cards don’t really need to be so sickly sweet, do they? How about: ‘I was wondering if maybe you’re faking it to get attention?’ If that’s not motivation to get better soon, so you can kick the sender’s ass, I don’t know what is.
Bring on the revolution! No roses, no carnations, no silly rhymes, just the truth, in all its glory. I think it could totally work, if you’re a bit of a douche-bag and you like that kind of thing.
So to all you fathers out there on this auspicious Father’s Day:
Happy Father’s Day. Hope you get to sleep late, have a big breakfast, read the newspaper, and then go off to play 18 holes.
So, just like every other Sunday then!
Mean cards. All the rage. If you like that kind of thing, you asshat. 🙂