even drug dealers are feeling the recession.

back in the day I was a bit more of a shady chick, often of questionable character and seriously lacking in moral fibre. of course that was then. these days i’m a fine upstanding member of the community.

so back in those fun but seedy days a friend of a friend introduced me to this nigerian drug dealer. let’s call him ‘Guy’*. his full name is Big Black Guy, but when you know him as well as i do, it’s just Guy.

Guy is about six foot four, and weighs in at about 120 kilos. you really don’t want to fuck with him.

anyway Guy can get you pretty much anything. you ring him up, give him directions and bing bang bong, half an hour later you’ve got a party, then nine hours later, you’ve got a hangover.

these days you’ll either be pleased, or disappointed to hear that i’m a little more civilized and don’t go down that road. however i do try to stay in touch with Guy for a couple of reasons which i will outline below.

1. you never know when you might find yourself hanging out in a hotel room with the guys from metallica, anthony kedis, or that guy from jamiroquai (who can run up walls) and in need of a big nigerian drug dealer.

2. Guy cracks me up. he’s the cleverest drug dealer i’ve ever met.

one of the things i admire most about him, is that he believes in marketing. if you’re lucky enough to get on his client list, a world of delight awaits you, and i’m not talking about the drugs here. i’m talking about the direct marketing.

every friday since I first met him, without fail, Guy has sent out a series of mass smses to his most valued clients, reminding them that the hard week is finished, and the fun weekend is about to begin. and this is where his genius lies. forget being a nigerian drug dealer, Guy is actually the marketing director of his own company.

but then a couple of months ago Guy took his genius to a whole new level. clearly feeling the pinch of recession, one friday afternoon Guy brought out the first of a series of special offers in the form of the following sms:

“I’ve got something very nice 4 all my lvly clients today. The 1st 20 persons to call me b4 10pm today gets one free. Do have a blissful wkend. Luv u.”

two for the price of one for the first 20 callers! i bet his cell phone rang off the hook all night.

you go Guy!

* name has been changed to protect my kneecaps and other general aliveness.

3 responses to “even drug dealers are feeling the recession.”

  1. you had me at drug dealer. bravo. bravo.

  2. deon says:

    I had this really gay dealer back in Joburg who did the same. My favourite was a Christmas text that read “Who’s been naughty? Who’s been nice? Who’d like to see Santa come twice? Don’t forget to support YOUR friendly dealer this festive season.”

    I also had a weed dealer from Malawi who was called ‘Fire’. I told him once “That’s not your real name, is it?”, and he said “No, but it’s easy for white people to remember”.

  3. Paige says:

    deon. that’s fricken hysterical. i once had a weed dealer named wednesday.

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