I’m here, so it must be Monday, here’s yesterday’s Sunday Times Column, hope you enjoy. x
A MILLION MILES FROM NORMAL – By Paige Nick
DODGY DATING SITES
Since I seem to be the common denominator in all my dodgy dates to date, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I’m doing it wrong, or maybe I just need to try something different. Hey, if you went to the same bar for a year and never got served a decent drink; you’d probably consider trying a different bar, wouldn’t you? So with that in mind I did a little research into what’s out there and was astonished at what I found. There are dozens, if not hundreds of different dating websites, catering to every imaginable type, and some types you couldn’t imagine, even if you were on some a-grade crack.
So those of you reading this who are career-singles, feel free to take notes if you find anything that interests you. Those of you who are newly single and considering going online, read it in horror at the joys you’re about to face. And those of you reading it who are currently in a great relationship, where you finish each other’s sentences and are happy to share a toothbrush, feel free to read it with a smug satisfaction.
Did you know there’s a dating website specifically for adults who like to wear diapers? There’s also one just for catlovers, and there’s even one especially for truckers, which is not to be confused with the one for Trekkies. That one is called Trek Passions and their payoff line is ‘Love Long & Prosper’, I kid you not. I guess whatever rocks your space ship. Looking through the profiles of the dozens of Captain Kirks looking for their Uhuras, and Dr Spocks looking for their anti-nemesis to go to warp nine with, it’s almost hard to believe all these Trekkies and Trekkiettes are still single. Almost.
At over a billion dollars a year, internet dating is big business. It’s even bigger than the online porn industry. Just. Which is an ironic fact if you consider how fine the line is between the two. So with that much money being thrown around, it’s not surprising that so many niched dating sites have popped up to cater to every possible taste. Some of them are even rather clever.
Alikewiseis one of those. It’s a dating website that lets you find a potential match based on what you both like to read, which totally appeals to the word nerd in me. Did you ever do that thing where you go on a date and then you go back to their place and nose around their medicine cabinet and bookshelf to get an idea of who you’re dealing with? This is kind of like that, only in the virtual world. It’s amazing how much you can tell about a person by what they read, or don’t read, as the case may be. It also makes for a great conversation starter. Where I come from, ‘Hi, I see you just finished the lastest Franzen?’ is a much more effective opening line than ‘Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?’ or ‘Nice boobs, wanna shag?’
But a warning, if your potential partner is reading books such as ‘HowTo Make A Bomb From Things You Find Lying Around The House’ or ‘How Old Is Too Old To Still Be Breastfed’, then run, run for your life.
Then just across the railway tracks, on the slightly dodgier side of the internet is a dating website called herpesloving.com. According to their marketing bumf they’re: ‘The best, most trusted and largest dating site for Herpes singles and friends!’ Proof that just because you have genital herpes, doesn’t mean you have to have genital herpes on your own.
And if this is all too random for you, check out scientificmatch.com. They take a sample of your DNA and match you up with people who you literally have real chemistry with. You simply send off your sample on the end of an ear bud, and it takes them two weeks to do your DNA analysis and get back to you with a selection of matches. Two weeks sounds like a long time to me, on CSI they have it in seconds.
There’s even a dating site out there called womenbehindbars.com, for men who think they might like to hook up with women in prison. I suppose I could understand the attraction, at least you always know where your girlfriend is. But on the downside there are an awful lot of cons.
Carmen likes long walks on the prison quad, romantic candle-lit dinners, and stabbing you in the face with a homemade shiv while you’re sleeping.
Unfortunately their profiles don’t say what these lovely/terrifying ladies are in for, which is odd. You’d think that would be important. I don’t know about you, but if I was going to date a felon, I’d want to know whether they were behind bars for cheating on their taxes or poisoning a husband.
See, your granny was right; every pot really does have its lid. Even the crazy, wonky pot, that should consider having its lid examined by a professional.